I would say I spend a lot of time during my days thinking and contemplating and wondering.
Sometimes I think about my life; where I am now and what I'm doing. And then I think about my future. Not having any specific ideas of where I might be or what I may be doing, but the simple mystery of it all. I must admit, it's all rather thrilling, not knowing where I will be in five years. But what gets my heart racing is the fact that despite the unknown, I choose not to be afraid of it; rather, I greet it with open arms, for I know that my future is in the most capable Hands.
There have been several occasions in my past when an individual (or individuals) prophesied over me. I have a small collection of paper and cards written by myself or others of what was spoken. At times I read over them to remind myself of my Father's promises to me - to remind myself that I do indeed have a purpose. Every time I read over these words, something within my spirit stirs. These words ring true within me. And they are not small, pretty, happy ideas. I would dare say the majority of them hold the potential for great responsibility in the future. It's all exciting and terrifying at the same time.
My life hasn't been one of complete normality. There were several years of struggling with a darkness that constantly loomed over me. By grace, I am now free. And while I wouldn't wish upon anyone else to go through what I had to deal with, I would also not trade what I experienced for anything. In a way, it was almost necessary for me to live through it all, for I would not be who I am today without it.
I feel like I was created for something great; something more incredible than anything my imagination can conjure. I don't say this to boast. I say this because there have been too many things in my life that have taken place to really believe otherwise.
Now you might be asking yourself, 'What brought all this up?' I shall tell you. A very simple conversation with my mother today, after I got home from school and asked her if she had made it to her appointment with our dentist.
She said she did. Then she laughed and proceeded to tell me what the dentist had said about me. She basically said that he is impressed with me, because most people my age don't have it as together as I do. That he believe I will succeed in anything that I wish to try.
This man sees me twice a year. Once every six months. And only for about five minutes at that. So for a total of ten minutes a year over the course of three years, that's on half of an hour. One half of an hour that I've seen and partially conversed with this man, and he goes and states how he thinks I can do anything.
I don't even really know what to say. I feel as though God is yet again speaking to me through another person who really has no idea to what extent the effect their words have made. It's not the first time in my life that someone who barely knows me has made an observation that manages to ring true.
People that know my story have told me I have a powerful testimony. That God's got an incredible plan for my life. But honestly, I don't see how my story is as powerful as others make it out to be. It's just me sharing what I've been through and how I'm alive because of God's grace. I know He can use it for great things; He will use it for great things in the future, I'm sure. I'm aware that it's been said that those who struggle more (or are attacked more), have it happen because of the potential they have. Meaning, people who seem to go through so much, and struggle to no end for years, do so because God has an incredible plan to use them in unimaginable ways. Is this the case for me?
Sometimes I have to ask, "Why me?" Not out of false humility or not thinking 'how on earth can God use someone like me?' but out of sincerity. Why me, of all people, of all humans, out of all my siblings, even, does God seem to have some incredible plan for my life? I know that someone who has the mere job of being a janitor can bring just as much glory to God as someone who's in a high position of power. And wherever He places me, I pray that I'll be content with being there, just to bring Him glory.
At the same time, I know that my future holds something really big. What it may be, I've no idea, and I'm okay with that. I know it's all in His timing. But right now I feel so unsure. I know I'm not ready to be in that place, but that's okay. I'm where I'm supposed to be for now. And along the way, He'll continue to mold me into the person that I need to be for whatever He may be calling me to do.
