This past week has been different. Not difficult, not hard, not complicated, not anything that I would put under the label of "struggle." Just...different.
Sometimes things happen in life and they become bigger than you expect. You find yourself mentally or emotionally attached to someone or something. You find yourself in this vicious cycle of thinking about the topic more and more, then trying not to think about it, etc. etc. etc. You discover that you feel weary, tired, exhausted, restless, unsure. None of which are very fun to experience.
And then you talk things out with a close friend who knows you well enough to shed some light on you in the midst of the confusion of the situation going on in your head. They give you perspective, answer the questions you ponder out loud; all of which helps you to focus on what should be done next. You pray together, you part ways, and you still receive encouragement from them during the week, because that's the kind of friend they are.
And that's what has been happening/has happened. Last Monday was hard, disorienting, complicated. But through the words and perspective of a good friend, I found what I needed to do this past week. Surrender and trust.
Surrender.
And trust.
And so that became my focus. Looking to Jesus every day. Spending time with Him in prayer, learning to actually listen to the direction and guidance of the Holy Spirit (a still-current learning process), surrendering things to Him (all things), trusting in His timing, and learning how to wait.
Because not every answer is a solid yes or no. Sometimes it is simply wait. And for someone who has such a black and white perspective on life, I forget that sometimes, in some areas, there is an in-between ground, and waiting is on that ground. I think that I'm a pretty patient person, and while this current situation is confirming that I am one, it's a different kind of patience that I'm learning to exercise.
I have gotten up early almost every morning this last week to get ready for work, and then with a cup of tea in hand, I have my quiet time before beginning my day, starting it out right by reading the Bible.
I have spent so much time in the Psalms. I know a lot of people say how David knew how it was, he knew what it meant to struggle, and still carried on, still pushed forward, still pursued God no matter what. I have had friends tell me how encouraging they find the Psalms, and how David just got it. And while I have enjoyed reading Psalms over the years, this past week I found so much encouragement in them. In the ones I found myself reading, there was these constant reminders to trust God. Over and over and over. Speaking to me, reminding me, to trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
While I believe that we can get to a point in our lives where we trust God in every area and aspect of life, I also believe that it is a constant, continual life-process. We trust Him, but we must continue to trust, continue to surrender, continue to remind ourselves that these things are worth doing, worth living out. Trust and surrender go hand-in-hand.
Let me share some of the verses which served as good reminders to me:
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in you; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; with favour You will surround him as with a shield." Psalm 5.11-12
"Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation, on You I wait all the day." Psalm 25.4-5
"I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears... The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned." Psalm 34.4, 22
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." Psalm 37.4-5
"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62.8
"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust." Psalm 143.8
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them." Psalm 143.17-19
I am not even remotely close to completing this current lesson of learning to trust and remembering to surrender. It is still happening, and will continue to happen for some time, I think. But it's good. It's good and it's necessary and I am grateful that it is happening. It is a perfect opportunity to grow spiritually, and to grow in my relationship with Jesus.
Which, really, is all that I desire.
