I don't want to trick myself into thinking that leaving will solve my problems.

Because I know if I allow myself to think that way, I could potentially approach all future struggles the same way...by leaving.

So what makes me think that leaving will solve this problem?  Well, I have a few reasons.  But getting away - in a more permanent manner - just needs to happen.

It's time to leave when you feel stifled.  When every day you feel more and more like you're dying on the inside.  When you continue to fall into the shadows and forget who you were.  When you can't seem to escape the distant hope that you'll run into them.

It's time for change.  As much as I hate it.  But maybe leaving will kick my butt in gear and I'll finally start working towards those career goals I have.  If I can get answers to what's going on in my body, that is.  Because that is a major part of it.

And I hate it.

I hate being out of control.  I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on in my life.  Why I had to make plans, get excited about my future, and then everything had to go to hell because my body started malfunctioning, and left me with no answers, no direction, and no future.  If that's some kind of sick joke to get me to give up my hopes and dreams, I'm really laughing over here.

Sorry.

Everything has become a torrential downpour in the past year, and I am sick of life.  I'm sick of not knowing, I'm sick of feeling sick, I'm sick of being hung up on someone I knew things would never work out with anyway.  I'm sick of feeling exhausted all the time, of not loving what I do at work, of having no passion, no hope, no nothing for anything in life.

What the hell happened.

I am tired and weary and there is no hope.  There is no desire, no want, not even a smidgen of care for doing the right thing.  Or believing the right thing.  Or following the right Thing.

...

I have given up.

And am somehow okay with that.  Which if there was even a glimmer of anything good and right left in me, I know I wouldn't be okay with that.  I know I would be struggling with wanting to do the right thing but finding myself unable to do it.

But here I am.  Knowing - always knowing - what the right thing to do, or say, or believe is, and yet I don't.  I don't care.  I don't have enough energy or willpower to care, and I don't care that I don't care about that.

So there.

What am I even doing.  Why am I still here?  Why didn't I just go for things back when I started to plan them?  Why did I have to hope and stick around and watch my life go to shit?
Would it have been better for it all to go wrong somewhere else?  Somewhere where I would have been far from home and from family?  Would that have made things worse?
Who even knows.

What I want to know is why I'm so hung up on you.
Seriously.
Why the fuck can I not just get over you?  Move on and find someone else?
Is it the lack of intelligent and attractive people here?  Something else?
I'm not stupid; I don't believe in that "soulmate" crap.  But my inability to let you go is almost convincing enough to make me think that - were things different - we were meant to be together.

Or maybe I would begin to hate you the more I got to know you.

Whatever.

All I know is that I'm counting down the days when I'm out of this miserable place, away from you, and maybe...just maybe, I can find some peace of mind.

...As if.