I'm sitting in my room, lights off except for Christmas lights I have hanging around my window, a lukewarm cup of pour-over coffee resting near me, and Chopin playing in my ears.
2018 was a whirlwind; but it was also years within itself.
I'm not even sure where to begin, as it feels like there is a lot to reflect on, but also nothing at all.
I can tell you I remember where I was last year around this time.
In Oceanside, California.
Spending New Year's Eve with my boyfriend.
Trying not to fight - as it was something we were doing pretty much every day at that point, going on for a couple weeks by then.
I remember near midnight we ended up getting in his Jeep, driving to go to a grocery store, talking on the way there about nothing memorable, parked outside the store and continued talking, and then midnight hit.
Which I pointed out.
And we kissed.
My first New Year's Eve kiss.
With the most perfect-for-me man in the world.
And now here we are a year later.
Living in central California.
I have my own place.
(Thank GOD no more roommates.)
I am with the man who holds my heart.
I have a job that isn't terrible.
I have experienced life, I have mourned, I have grown, I have struggled, I have fought, and survived.
As I already mentioned, 2018 felt like years happened within it.
Most likely, from everything that happened and took place.
We adventured a lot.
We went to Yosemite in March so I should shoot a friend's winter wonderland wedding (oh my, it was gorgeous).
We went hiking to a lot of different nearby places in relation to where we lived.
We fought almost every day for the first month and a half of the new year (and a couple weeks prior to the new year).
I continued to go to counselling to try to figure myself out; Carlos started going to begin to figure himself out.
We overcame the struggles we faced and became stronger for it.
I hit some really, really low points.
I continued to work out here and there with Carlos.
I met his family.
We went camping in late August with my (extended) family, where Carlos got to meet them, and he also accepted Christ as his Saviour.
We moved to central California.
Carlos started the process to join active duty again (with the Army this time).
We went hiking in new-to-us places.
We visited my hometown a couple times to continue to explore and see the raw beauty it contains.
We fought here and there, but have continued to grow and learn from it.
Our relationship reached a new level.
There is just so much.
And honestly, I'm pretty tired and my brain isn't functioning the best right now, so I'm not even entirely sure what I want to say.
(Not that I usually have anything to say, anyway.)
As usual for most things in my life, I have no expectations for 2019.
But, don't get me wrong, this isn't because I am avoiding vast disappointment.
Rather, I try not to hold expectations, because I don't want what I expect to limit what can happen in my life.
I grew a lot this past year.
Therapy started to move along and I did some hard work via EMDR method, where I learned the source(s) of several things I struggle with now in my adult life.
I learned how to co-function in a relationship; to work alongside someone, and not just operate separately from them.
I learned to fight for the things I believe in (like my relationship, and even the things I grew up learning to believe).
I learned that grace is far more vast and incomprehensible than I once thought.
I learned that someone can love me in spite of the things I say or do, or mistakes I make, and even when I'm cruel and selfish, that their love still carries on. And because of this, I have someone in my life who shows me what unconditional love looks like on a daily basis, and I am floored whenever I think about it (which is a fucking lot).
My creativity found some new paths.
I started being able to read again.
I found determination to go to the gym as a daily habit.
I stopped drinking.
I discovered what it was like to work in a legit professional work environment and to have management that actually supports you.
I found that I could survive on my own without family nearby; pay rent, pay the bills, still feed myself, still get by (even if just barely, and really the thing that kept me sane was my boyfriend).
I learned that sometimes you have to stop thinking about things before they drive you insane from grief (like obsessing and replaying in your head what you think the murder of people you once knew may have looked like).
I learned that too little, too late is very much a thing, but at least people still learn and grow and acknowledge their mistakes...even if it's much too late to go back and change things.
I learned that family is who you actively choose to include in your life; your family is who you compose it to be, albeit friends, blood relatives, even co-workers.
I learned that friends stick by you no matter how much time passes between texts or phone calls; they still are there to talk and listen when you need them.
I learned that my opinions and how I feel actually does matter to some extent.
I learned that being in a relationship isn't easy, but nothing worthwhile - as it turns out - hardly ever is. Just like anything worth investing in with time or energy or effort, it's hard, it takes time, but if it's worth it...it's. worth. it.
I have a little insight into what 2019 might hold.
And from what I can tell, it's going to be great.
It's going to be a struggle, don't get me wrong, but it's going to be worth it.
The year is going to start off with an opportunity for me to grow, as My Heart leaves for 14 weeks for training.
Which means I will use those weeks and the sadness I'll feel as fuel in the gym for getting my body healthy and strong.
I will have that time to re-discover who I am as an individual; and do a lot of self-reflecting, self-adjusting, and growth.
I will also take that time to treasure even more the time I do have with him when he's with me in person.
And then, when he gets back, another huge adventure in life will start with him.
And from there, who knows what will happen.
So here's to a New Year.
The first one - in many, many years - that is, I think, actually filled with hope.
