I've been thinking about control lately.

And how much I feel like I need it.  In order to function.  In order to have some semblance of, well, control, in a world and a life where control very much can not exist.

But that gets me in trouble.

Because really, how much of my life can I actually control?  How much of my life is up to me for me to determine and decide and demand?

It's not.

And my need for control has gotten me in trouble.  It's demanded things that are unfair of those around me.  Demanded they do things my way and my way only.  Because that's what I need.  

Or is it?

Really, how much do I add to my life by worrying about the things I cannot control?  Unknown health issues, finances, decisions other people make...the list goes on.  But worrying about those things does nothing for me.  It's not helpful.  If anything, it's unhelpful, because the unnecessary worry and stress only have the potential to add to my health issues.

I realised quite a while ago that my need for control is linked to why I worry constantly.  And I worry constantly, because I feel like I have to be productive about things I can't control.  And sure, maybe I can't control things, but worrying is making me proactive about it, right?  At least it makes me feel like I'm doing something about the things I have no control over.

It's all an illusion.

I'm sure the need for extreme control comes from my childhood and the lack of control I had.  And how controlled my life was.  And how I had no control over it.  Obviously, things to further process, and talk about in therapy.

But realising that is a start.
Knowing I have a need for control, and where it stems from, and then from there, learning how to let things go.

To know that I don't have to always be in control.  That most of my life I actually won't be in control, and that's okay.

It's a process.  It's not easy.  But instead of acknowledging I have no control and just letting everything go to shit, I can acknowledge that while I don't have control, I can learn to trust One who does.  And I'm learning.  It's slow.  It's hard to relinquish control.  It's hard to trust.

But I am finding it's worth it.
Especially when I give control to One who loves me unconditionally, and only has my best in mind.
He has proven Himself so much already.  And continues to do so through His goodness.

I am learning.
And I am learning to trust.