Do you want to know how forgettable I think I am?

I'm friends with people on social media platforms from jobs I worked at over 5 years ago.  And recently, one of them commented that they'd love to see me if I'm in the area (I was posting photos from a trip I took months ago).  And I was looking at that comment again tonight, in passing, and it just struck me as odd.

Not because that coworker wanted to see me.  But because she still remembers me and (I guess?) liked me enough to want to see me.

And it's such a foreign concept to me.

Because, while I honestly don't spend a lot of time consciously thinking about it, I've realised that subconsciously I think that I'm not worth remembering.

And who knows where this stems from.  From lack of self confidence.  From lack of mattering to people.  From remembering people and them not remembering me.

I have a really good memory (or used to, at least).
And I remember instances when I was a kid where I would remember people after meeting them one time, saying hi to them - by name - and them reacting weirdly to me.  And their reactions were obviously significant enough, to where I learned after a few instances of moments like that, to pretend like I didn't remember people or their names after seeing them a second time later on in life.

And I guess maybe from me remembering people's names and faces so well, and people not remembering who I am, I've walked away with the longtime impression that I'm not worth remembering.

All those years ago when I was still in high school, I would question why people liked me.  Why they were friends with me.  It drove me crazy, because I couldn't fathom how anyone actually wanted to be my friend.  What crazy reason or reasons did they have for liking me?

And, you know, me being my weird self, I would outright ask people why they liked me.  Why they were friends with me.  Sometimes people answered me.  Sometimes they didn't (or couldn't).  And for the ones that did, I didn't believe them, so it's not like it mattered too much.

(Clearly my self esteem was non-existent.)

Over the years...even way back then...I learned to stop questioning.  Because I knew that 1) I would drive myself crazy by doing so, and 2) even if people answered me, I never believed them, so what was the point?

And who's to say that I've really changed over the years?
I can say I've learned not to wonder and drive myself crazy with questioning.  But it's just because I've stopped questioning.  And I guess stopped caring, too.  Although I do care a little bit, sometimes, depending on the person.  But that mostly comes from me not liking myself, and thus, still being unable to understand why others like me.

I know social media is definitely the last place to decide anything, but it is a wonder to me why people I know from high school days, or the past at some point, want to connect with me.  I know it's more for the numbers of friend count/connections, or something equally shallow, than it is for actual connection.  But the fact that they remember me enough to try to connect is still, in a way, surprising.

Anyway.

You can forget me and all of what I've said.
It's just the musings of a tired, stressed out weirdo, who has been unable to think clearly this past week.

 I'm laying on my bed on this typical chilly February night on the East Coast.  Thinking about nothing more than how I wish I would have written a post in January, to at least keep up to the minimum of one blog post a month.  But do you know what happens when you're mentally overwhelmed and life is pummelling you and everything feels pointless and hopeless?  That's right...no blog post.

That being said, I don't have a topic in mind to write about, really.  Although today in my "counselling" session (ha), one of the things brought up was the Law of Attraction.  "What?" you may ask "Isn't that where the more attractive you are, the more shit just gets handed to you?"  Well, while that's certainly a thing that happens, this is not that.
Essentially, the law of attraction is something to the effect of "like always attracts like."  It goes along the new age thinking of "if I think about (x) enough, I'll manifest it into existence."

Wrong.

While the law of attraction isn't really a thing (much less a law, as if), I understand the intent behind it.  Though not so much "think about this enough, and you'll will it to exist in your life," I think it's better to say "what I pay attention to, I'll start to notice."  Like when you suddenly think about red cars.  And then all of a sudden, you're seeing red cars everywhere.
It's really more about being aware of your thoughts, getting them in control, and choosing where to funnel your focus.

Am I aware of all the bad going on right now?  All the expectations that were conveyed, and unmet?  All the promises made, and broken?  All the things someone should be doing simply because they should be a responsible adult, and yet, they're not, and you're left feeling completely alone and on your own in, well, everything?  Yeah.  You're going to see that everywhere.
But hey, isn't it a thing that for every one, singular good experience, you remember four negative ones?  So where does that leave us?  Is it 'oh, I only ever experience negative things, and never good ones?'  Maybe, what it should be instead, is 'I should work hard to ensure good experiences happen, so while the negative ones are remembered more often, there will be such a plethora of good experiences, it'll be easier to remember them.'
Not placing the blame on "you only remember the bad things!" but rather actively working on making sure good things happen often and frequently enough, so that there's a fighting chance for the brain to recall the good more often than not.

I know that for my own self, I can tend to focus on the negative more.  And yes, because realistically, there's a lot more negative than positive these days.  But also, that's just part of my Eeyore personality.  Something that can't be helped naturally, but something I can actively work on fighting.
One thing that I've taken up again (which I used to do way way back in high school days) is something of a gratitude "journal."  Not really a journal in the traditional sense, but every day before I go to bed, I write the date, and then list three things that happened that day that I'm grateful for.  Surprisingly, this one small change in routine and habit has made a difference to the extent that I've noticed.  I find myself looking for the good more often than before.  To find things to be grateful for, in less-than-ideal situations when they come up.
It's not a huge life change, but the impact it has definitely makes it worth implementing.

One of the things I've learned on a deeper level this past year, is that people can't read my mind.  Whether that's my sister, or my husband, or the cashier at the store...I can't expect them to know what I'm thinking.  That means, when my husband does something and I'm thankful for it, I have to be intentional in saying "thank you."  Because yeah, duh, I'm thankful he did the dishes.  And while I know that I'm thankful, because I'm in my head, so yeah, it's obvious, he doesn't know that!  I have to communicate my gratitude to him.  So I am learning, and trying to remember to verbally say what I already assume is known in my head.
To be honest, I think this is where a large majority of miscommunication occurs.  We automatically assume people know what we're thinking, because since we're in our heads, we already know what we're thinking, so they must know too, right?  Wrong.  I always knew before that overcommunication is better than under-communication, but boy, you learn the truth of that shit on a whole new level when you're in a relationship. 
And this is something I'm still learning, and still working on.  Assume nothing.  Communicate everything.  You'll both be better off in the end when you do this.

Anyway.
The law of attraction is fake.
Your thoughts are real.
Be intentional on what you choose to think about, and where you aim your focus.
Be grateful.  For the small, mundane, every day things.  They're just as important as the big, once-in-a-lifetime things.
Don't assume.  Communicate.  Express your thanks for the things you see.

The end.