Do you want to know how forgettable I think I am?

I'm friends with people on social media platforms from jobs I worked at over 5 years ago.  And recently, one of them commented that they'd love to see me if I'm in the area (I was posting photos from a trip I took months ago).  And I was looking at that comment again tonight, in passing, and it just struck me as odd.

Not because that coworker wanted to see me.  But because she still remembers me and (I guess?) liked me enough to want to see me.

And it's such a foreign concept to me.

Because, while I honestly don't spend a lot of time consciously thinking about it, I've realised that subconsciously I think that I'm not worth remembering.

And who knows where this stems from.  From lack of self confidence.  From lack of mattering to people.  From remembering people and them not remembering me.

I have a really good memory (or used to, at least).
And I remember instances when I was a kid where I would remember people after meeting them one time, saying hi to them - by name - and them reacting weirdly to me.  And their reactions were obviously significant enough, to where I learned after a few instances of moments like that, to pretend like I didn't remember people or their names after seeing them a second time later on in life.

And I guess maybe from me remembering people's names and faces so well, and people not remembering who I am, I've walked away with the longtime impression that I'm not worth remembering.

All those years ago when I was still in high school, I would question why people liked me.  Why they were friends with me.  It drove me crazy, because I couldn't fathom how anyone actually wanted to be my friend.  What crazy reason or reasons did they have for liking me?

And, you know, me being my weird self, I would outright ask people why they liked me.  Why they were friends with me.  Sometimes people answered me.  Sometimes they didn't (or couldn't).  And for the ones that did, I didn't believe them, so it's not like it mattered too much.

(Clearly my self esteem was non-existent.)

Over the years...even way back then...I learned to stop questioning.  Because I knew that 1) I would drive myself crazy by doing so, and 2) even if people answered me, I never believed them, so what was the point?

And who's to say that I've really changed over the years?
I can say I've learned not to wonder and drive myself crazy with questioning.  But it's just because I've stopped questioning.  And I guess stopped caring, too.  Although I do care a little bit, sometimes, depending on the person.  But that mostly comes from me not liking myself, and thus, still being unable to understand why others like me.

I know social media is definitely the last place to decide anything, but it is a wonder to me why people I know from high school days, or the past at some point, want to connect with me.  I know it's more for the numbers of friend count/connections, or something equally shallow, than it is for actual connection.  But the fact that they remember me enough to try to connect is still, in a way, surprising.

Anyway.

You can forget me and all of what I've said.
It's just the musings of a tired, stressed out weirdo, who has been unable to think clearly this past week.