'How did this all go wrong?'
I keep asking myself over and over and over again.
...I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that I won't ever wake up from.
Granted, I have felt that way on and off for the past couple of years (more on than off, truthfully), but right now more than ever.

My whole world feels like it got turned upside-down and flipped inside-out.

And of course, as usual, all the blame falls on me.
After all, why wouldn't it?

I'm the one who issued the ultimatum.
I'm the one who [supposedly] decided not to go to the same destination.

It's me.
Everything is always my fault.

I can't believe I thought I was loved for who I was.
I can't believe I thought I wouldn't have to face life alone; that I would have someone by my side to help me face the hard times...that we would face the hard times together.
I can't believe I thought I found someone who cared about me.
I can't believe I imagined having a shared future with someone who has made it clear that most things between us are not actually shared.

...

No one prepares you for life the way you need to be prepared for it.
And maybe it's a generational gap.
Maybe in years past it was implied.  Or something.
But growing up, it was "don't have sex before marriage" and "they have to believe in God."
There was little to no other direction other than that.
(Much less explanations for why and how it should be that way.)

Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Now I get why pre-marital counselling is important.
Now I get why people say to have the hard conversations about deal breakers early on.

I'm sure if those things had happened when they should have, I wouldn't be here now...
Broken.
Hurt.
Devastated.
Confused.
Betrayed.
Abandoned.
And who knows what else.

Who even knows what I'm feeling, because I don't.
To think I thought someone was worth the risk of allowing myself to feel.  To be vulnerable.  To trust.
What a fool I have been.

It's time to go back.
To not feeling.
To not being vulnerable.
To not trusting.

I'm tired of being played the fool.
Of being proven insane, because over and over I try the same thing, expecting different results, and only getting the same results as before.

Why should I try when I'm the only one?
It's taken too long, and has shown no change, no fruit, no evidence that any effort other than mine is given.

I am such an idiot.

And I hate myself for it.

I hate myself for not seeing things sooner.

And for someone who is repeatedly accused of being "negative" and a "pessimist," well, I sure have fucking proved that wrong, by hoping for something different over and over and over again.

Pessimist my ass.

How could I be so stupid.
And so trusting.
Even though over and over again I've been shown not to trust what I'm told.

I've known for years that I hate myself.
But now?

Now, I hate myself even more.