My therapist tells me I'm not broken; I don't tell her that she's wrong.

For the past several months I have felt like I am standing on the edge of a precipice.  More and more burdens pile onto my shoulders, weighing me down, each one seemingly small, but the amount of everything added all together feels unbearable.  Things only seem to go wrong, not right.  Stress keeps increasing, and so does anxiety.  A lot of it probably self-induced, but the causes are the price of living in reality.

This is one of the handful of moments in my life where things feel like Too Much, and I begin to seriously consider checking myself in someplace, because I feel like I am going mad.

 I think the majority of people live with learned victimhood; either culturally, or how they were raised, or any other number of factors.  They learn to blame others for problems, never taking responsibility, never taking accountability for their own actions, never changing.  Just always looking for who or what they can blame for their lot in life, because pointing the finger is easier than accepting that maybe you had your own part to play, and can put in the work to get yourself out of whatever the circumstance is.

It's why I don't like to point the finger or play the blame game, because too many people do that, and I do not want to be one of them. 

But in this case, it's safe to say he broke me.

Every day is a nightmare.  I keep saying that.  And I keep saying that because it's true.  But even though I keep saying it, it's like no one hears me or believes me.

Weekends are the worst.  Because I'm not distracted by work, so my brain goes on a rampage.  Remembering things, being triggered by seeing things when I'm out running errands, thinking about the past, recalling memories of being together, of how things used to be, how he seemed to love me and care about me; and then how things changed and that wasn't the case and how I didn't matter and how he withdrew and didn't feel safe with me, how something shifted in how he saw me, how he would tell me he wanted me but never showed it, how his idea of spending time together was having the tv on, while scrolling on his phone, not investing in quality time or listening or caring...etc. etc. etc.
And I know I had my part to play in that.  I know I nagged, I know I was critical, I know I was passive aggressive, I know I didn't support him like he needed, I know I failed to love him how he needed to be loved...I failed in each and every possible way.

In spite of all that, I thought his vows meant something.  When we were dating and would get into disagreements, he would fight for us to work things out, he showed me he wasn't going anywhere in the midst of it all.  Yes, he was extremely toxic in a lot of ways, but the one way he proved himself was by not abandoning me when we disagreed.  Which was a huge thing for me, because my entire life I have been afraid of conflict, afraid to disagree with people, because I was under the impression (for whatever reason), that if I disagreed or caused conflict, that person would immediately turn tail and run.  Leave me, abandon me, simply because I didn't agree with them.  And he didn't do that.

I trusted him. 
He would tell me that I was a pessimist, and that I was a negative person.  He liked to be optimistic, look on the bright side of things.  The thing about optimists, though, is that they will look so hard for the bright side, they live in a false reality, because they don't understand that things are not as good as they're pretending they are.
But was I really negative?  Maybe.  However.  Would a negative, pessimistic person believe someone every time they said words, even if those words were never followed through with action?  For all the times he told me he loved me, told me he wanted me, told me I was the love of his life, told me he wouldn't know what he would do if he ever lost me, promised me we would get better, that he would get better...every time I believed him.  Most of the time he failed to follow through on his word (or if he did, it was with small things, but usually after a lot of "nagging" and reminding, or me just doing it instead of waiting for his follow through), and that should have been an indicator of his character.  But I wanted to believe he cared, wanted to believe that someone actually loved me for me, wanted me for me, cared about me, wanted to be with me, wanted to build a future together.

He told me he was in this for the long haul.  Told me he didn't believe in divorce; that it wasn't an option.  Told me I was the love of his life.

Everything he told me was a lie.
Because when the hard times hit, there was no follow through.  There was no effort to put in the work to get better or be better.  To invest in our marriage, to heal the distance between us.  Instead there was a bail out, because leaving is always easier than admitting you have your own faults that contributed to a failing marriage, and having to work on changing for the marriage, for your spouse, for your own self in order to strengthen the bond.
And he admitted he didn't want to change.

How am I supposed to recover from that?
How am I supposed to ever trust anyone again, when the one person who was supposed to be on my team, have my back, be my best friend, support me, love me, care for me, be with me in good times and bad, who made a vow to do that very thing, up and abandoned me and betrayed everything he ever said and promised, because things got too hard and he decided we were "incompatible?"

I have had trust issues all my life.  Because there is not one person in my life, at present or any I can recall from the past, who always showed up, or who followed through with actions, who kept their word every single time, who said what they meant and meant what they said.  Not one.
So when he came along and told me he cared about me, told me I was the love of his life, told me he wanted us to make it...I believed him.  Because I was so desperate for it.  Desperate to love someone with my whole heart, desperate to trust someone and believe they would be there and follow through, desperate to be seen and known and loved in spite of being seen and known.
And he destroyed all of that.

So even if someone else comes along (doubtful), chances are I will never fully trust them.  There will always be doubt in the back of my mind that that person will someday up and leave.  That conflict, or too long of a bad stretch, or who knows what else, will make them up and decide they aren't in this anymore.  Even if they tell me they love me, or show it with actions, if they keep their word and follow through every time, what he did, his betrayal, will cause me to always question if this person actually loves me or wants me or will be there for me.

My word is my bond.  It is why I do not give it out so easily.  Maybe partly due to who I am as a person, but also largely influenced by the lack of people in my own life who can't seem to keep their word.  I gave him my word in the form of my wedding vows that I would be with him until death.  I did not fall in love with him; I saw him and I decided to love him.  My love for him has always been a choice; regardless of what he did, how he made me feel, the things he did or said that made me feel sick to my stomach, things I had to ignore for whatever reason, my love did not waver.  It was there even if I didn't "feel" like loving him.  It was there in all the broken promises, all the disappointments, all the failures, all the hurt and rejection.
It is still there.
Because while he may have walked away and decided he didn't want me, proclaimed I was not actually the love of his life, and broke his vows, I did not break mine.

And in spare moments when I am not distracted, my brain betrays me and thinks about him.  About the past we shared, the memories, the promises he made, the moments of intimacy...and it only serves to remind me of this nightmare I am living in.
I can't say I have no clue how I got here, because I have every clue.  I have lived through it.  Each decision he made, each word spoken, every betrayal...and it still does not feel like reality.
I should be with the man I chose to love, the one I made vows to, living with him, creating a life filled with happy memories and adventures and feeling safe and knowing he is by my side no matter what happens.
But I'm not.
And I haven't been for years.
And it still feels like a sick joke, like a bad dream I need to wake up from, I just need to figure out the magical combination to wake up, and everything will be okay.

But I know this is real.
It has gone on too long not to be.  But this shouldn't be my reality.  How can it be.  After everything he told me, this should not be my life.

My brain feels broken.  I feel like I am going to snap; one day I will fully break, and will not come back.

I don't want to be here.
I can't be here.
Someone wake me up.
Please, dear God, wake me up from this nightmare.