Pressing Questions

I hate to admit it, but sometimes my lack of confidence gets the better of me.

At times, there are different questions that plague my mind - questions that I wish I could ask and get an honest answer, but am too scared to ask because I don't want to frighten people off.

There are the usual questions such as:

"Why do people spend time with me?"

"What do people see in me that causes them to want to build a relationship with me?"

"Why do people appreciate my friendship?"

...and other such questions.

But, in the case of one person in particular:

"Why do you say you love me?"

"Do you tell all of your newly acquired friends that you love them as often as you tell me you love me?"

"Why do you bother spending so much time in communication with me?  Do you have other friends that you spend as much time communicating with as you do with me?"

...and other such questions.

Oh, don't get me wrong though.  I love that person very dearly.  But I am sorely tempted to ask them those questions...and I would too, if I didn't think it had the potential of making things awkward or scare them off.  And despite the impression of the questions, the relationship I have with that person consists of one sibling keeping in touch with another.

Also, don't misunderstand me.  When I meet people - depending on how I can act around them after observing them for a while - I'm rather quick to tell them how much they mean to me.  I do state "I love you" to them.  But I haven't yet met another person who is like that...I've met some similar, but the person I'm referring to in this case doesn't appear to be that way...at least with others.  I suppose that is part of the reason for my questions.  Then again, I am not around to observe them all the time, so I could be wrong.

Back when I was in high school, there were a few times when I asked friends of mine (both school-chums and out-of-school-chums) what they really thought of me.  If my memory serves me correctly, not a single person ever answered me.  They either avoided the question or pretended they didn't hear it.

I still wonder at that question.  In fact, I wish I could ask every person I know three questions:

"What do you really think of me?"

"What was your first impression of me?"

"Why are you my friend?"

Yes, I am aware that those questions reveal my insecurity.  And, for the most part, they're more out of curiosity than need-to-know.  In high school, the first one plagued me and practically drove me crazy.  I could not fathom why people were friends with me.  I still wonder, but not at such a high level of intensity.  I don't bother to question why people are friends with me: it does no good wondering at a question that will probably never be answered.  But even more so, friendships - as much as I love and value them - do not take such a high level of priority in my life as they once did.

I recall when I used to wonder at a question in regards to my friendship with one or more peoples so much, that it would drive me crazy (to borrow the colloquialism).  Finally, as a product of thinking and wondering about it too much, I would ask the question.  Sometimes it was answered, sometimes not.  I then learned, that I like to beat around the bush in order to find out something I was wondering.  Otherwise, by holding it in and not being blunt, my sanity would begin to slip away from me.

Ah, at any rate, these are some of the many thoughts that have entered my mind today.  Random?  Maybe to you.  Highly probable for me.  But you'd have to hear my thoughts in order to know the sequence of what I was thinking in order to lead me to what I have just informed you of.

That's all for now.