There are a lot of things that have gone on in my past that most people don’t know about. And that’s okay. Because it’s in the past, and all of those things aren’t happening anymore in my life; therefore, there is no need to neither focus on them nor speak about them.
But my past defines me. What has taken place, who I’ve met, what I’ve done – all of it, every single bit, both good and bad – has shaped me into the person that I am at this very moment. And what is happening, what will happen, who I know, who I will know…will all continue to shape me and define who I am.
Exactly a year ago to this day, I did something. Something that I no longer do. Something that has been absent from my life for exactly 365 days. I cut for the last time.
For those of you who have known me for only a short time (from now, up to the past two years), you don’t really know what I used to struggle with. You don’t know what kind of person I was. How every time I cut off communication from people – whether it was not replying to e-mails, or deactivating my Facebook account – the friends of mine who had known me for a few years, were instantly worried. Every single time. They had to wonder if I was just too overwhelmed with depression to even try to make the effort to keep in touch, or if I had finally committed suicide.
Among other things, I struggled with severe depression and cutting for three years. Every day depression was there to greet me. Every day thoughts of suicide overwhelmed any other thoughts I might have had. Every day made me wonder if there really was any hope left to behold.
Through a series of what can only be defined by God-oriented events, I was placed in an environment where God was the centre of everything. Which is when He really began to change my life. I gave up cutting. Months later, I was prayed over, and was freed from depression as a result of those prayers.
Sometimes we fall though (despite our best efforts not to). After six months of not cutting, through very different and difficult circumstances (and a moment of weakness due to frustration, anger, and the feeling of being out of control), I cut. And the moment I did, I knew it was a mistake. It set me back very, very far. It made the next week or so extremely difficult, I cut off contact with everyone I knew, and I felt like such a failure. I felt that I couldn’t approach God because I did something I knew I should have never done.
But because of His unending and unconditional love, His grace is always there to save us. I spent the better part of this past year just working back up to where I had been before I cut. Through all of that time, and the difficulty of it, God was always faithful. He was always there to provide me with strength, guidance, wisdom, encouragement…basically, all that I needed.
Currently, I have reached and passed where I was a year ago, in the spiritual sense. It took a long time, with many setbacks due to my own selfish nature, but here I am. I’m better, healthier, and happier than I ever was before.
I know who I am. I know that I am the child of the Creator of the universe. I know that I have a Father who loves me no matter how many times I fall or fail. I know that He provides for me, that He heals me, that I live by His strength and not my own (2 Corinthians 12.9), that I owe Him my life, that He is always, always faithful (2 Timothy 2.11-13). He has done so much in my life, and even what He’s doing currently is so overwhelming, so wonderful, so humbling, and I am in a constant state of awe because of it.
A year. Three hundred sixty-five days. Five hundred twenty-five thousand six-hundred minutes. Two years ago, I never thought this day would come into existence. But here it is. All due to God’s grace and love, I have not cut for an entire year. I don’t want a day to go by in my life where I don’t [sincerely] thank God for the grace He’s given me. I want to continue to be so humbled by His grace, that I am drawn to tears like I am now, thinking about the grace He’s given me.
So thank you God, for Your grace. Let me never take it for granted. And let me give those around me the same amount of grace – if not more – that You’ve given me. Help me to continue to serve You with my very being. To continue to surrender every area of my life over to You. Let me be just as faithful to You, as You will be faithful to me for the rest of my days. So be it.
You gave Your life for mine, so how can I not do so in return?
Saturday 28 April 2012
Saturday 7 April 2012
An Introvert's Woes
I'm a major introvert.
And if there were a scale to measure the extremity (or lack thereof) of how introverted an introvert might be, I would be on the extreme end. Like, a 15 between a 1 to 10. Or 150% from 1% to 100%.
Basically, I like to be alone. A lot. All the time, if I could. But school, God, and other things keep me in places and situations where I need to be around people.
Depending on the individual or group of persons, the group dynamic, the place, and so many other factors, I tend to get drained easily by being around people. Sometimes it takes no more than 5 minutes. Sometimes I can go for a few hours. But never have I been able to go for more than 5 than needing to get away and be by myself, if not just for a few moments.
I used to tell people that I met (and became friends with), that I'm an introvert. That I can only stand being around people for so long. With that explanation of my type of person, I have gotten a range of reactions over the past couple of years:
"What? That's dumb."
"I know you've mentioned that, but I guess I just don't believe you."
"I think you think you're more of an introvert than you really are."
"What's wrong with you?"
We live in a world that is primarily filled with extroverts. I understand that. I understand that when you come across someone who actually enjoys being alone for days on end, it may be hard to understand from someone's perspective of loving to be around people or hating to be alone.
{Perspective determines reality.}
Just because we live in a world of people who get their energy from being around others, doesn't mean we have to call those who are different from us strange. Or think that there's something wrong with them. Or that they need to be fixed. Because they don't. It's how they were created, and it's okay that they're like that. It's okay that they're introverted.
Should they let it be a crutch? No. Sometimes life calls for being around people for hours on end. Sometimes God has something else in mind for us and wants us to be around people to encourage them and spend time with them and show them that we care for them (and when that's the case, He always gives us the strength we need to complete that task).
We get by. We survive. But we shouldn't let our introvertedness become an excuse to not spend time with people.
For the most part, I've accepted that people will not understand me when I tell them about my perspective of group settings as an introvert. And because of that, I've stopped explaining it to them. Sometimes there's a moment when it feels like an appropriate time to bring it up, and I will. At those times, people either get it, or they don't. They usually don't.
I have to admit, though, it has been rather hurtful and disappointing when I've told both friends and acquaintances about my major introvert self, and they've responded in disbelief or negatively (usually the only other friends who actually get it are fellow introverts). I know it's hard for them to see how it can actually be true that people drain my energy levels.
It would be so appreciated though, if someone were to actually hear what I was saying to them, and say, "I understand." To have an extroverted friend not say that something's wrong with me, or that they don't believe me, but to actually treat me like I'm just like them, but with different ways of dealing with people. To say that they believe me, that I'm still normal, and that hey, if I need to leave the group in the middle of something, I don't have to worry about people chasing after me thinking somethings wrong, when all I need to do is be alone to re-energize. That people wouldn't feel obligated to come up to me and talk to me in a group setting when I'm standing outside of the group, or am by myself in a corner observing everyone else, because they feel obligated to engage me in conversation.
I know that these issues will continue to happen during my life. And for the most part, I've accepted that others won't really accept the fullness (or any) of what I've explained to them about being an introvert. Which is okay. Because as long as I (and God) know my limits, I can take care of myself when I need to, and just step away from people when the time comes for me to be alone.
To be an introvert.
And if there were a scale to measure the extremity (or lack thereof) of how introverted an introvert might be, I would be on the extreme end. Like, a 15 between a 1 to 10. Or 150% from 1% to 100%.
Basically, I like to be alone. A lot. All the time, if I could. But school, God, and other things keep me in places and situations where I need to be around people.
Depending on the individual or group of persons, the group dynamic, the place, and so many other factors, I tend to get drained easily by being around people. Sometimes it takes no more than 5 minutes. Sometimes I can go for a few hours. But never have I been able to go for more than 5 than needing to get away and be by myself, if not just for a few moments.
I used to tell people that I met (and became friends with), that I'm an introvert. That I can only stand being around people for so long. With that explanation of my type of person, I have gotten a range of reactions over the past couple of years:
"What? That's dumb."
"I know you've mentioned that, but I guess I just don't believe you."
"I think you think you're more of an introvert than you really are."
"What's wrong with you?"
We live in a world that is primarily filled with extroverts. I understand that. I understand that when you come across someone who actually enjoys being alone for days on end, it may be hard to understand from someone's perspective of loving to be around people or hating to be alone.
{Perspective determines reality.}
Just because we live in a world of people who get their energy from being around others, doesn't mean we have to call those who are different from us strange. Or think that there's something wrong with them. Or that they need to be fixed. Because they don't. It's how they were created, and it's okay that they're like that. It's okay that they're introverted.
Should they let it be a crutch? No. Sometimes life calls for being around people for hours on end. Sometimes God has something else in mind for us and wants us to be around people to encourage them and spend time with them and show them that we care for them (and when that's the case, He always gives us the strength we need to complete that task).
We get by. We survive. But we shouldn't let our introvertedness become an excuse to not spend time with people.
For the most part, I've accepted that people will not understand me when I tell them about my perspective of group settings as an introvert. And because of that, I've stopped explaining it to them. Sometimes there's a moment when it feels like an appropriate time to bring it up, and I will. At those times, people either get it, or they don't. They usually don't.
I have to admit, though, it has been rather hurtful and disappointing when I've told both friends and acquaintances about my major introvert self, and they've responded in disbelief or negatively (usually the only other friends who actually get it are fellow introverts). I know it's hard for them to see how it can actually be true that people drain my energy levels.
It would be so appreciated though, if someone were to actually hear what I was saying to them, and say, "I understand." To have an extroverted friend not say that something's wrong with me, or that they don't believe me, but to actually treat me like I'm just like them, but with different ways of dealing with people. To say that they believe me, that I'm still normal, and that hey, if I need to leave the group in the middle of something, I don't have to worry about people chasing after me thinking somethings wrong, when all I need to do is be alone to re-energize. That people wouldn't feel obligated to come up to me and talk to me in a group setting when I'm standing outside of the group, or am by myself in a corner observing everyone else, because they feel obligated to engage me in conversation.
I know that these issues will continue to happen during my life. And for the most part, I've accepted that others won't really accept the fullness (or any) of what I've explained to them about being an introvert. Which is okay. Because as long as I (and God) know my limits, I can take care of myself when I need to, and just step away from people when the time comes for me to be alone.
To be an introvert.
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