Falling in love.
For some people, it happens so easily. They’re friends, they begin to feel attraction, they date, they marry, the end. It can happen in a romantic setting, it can happen in a very plain and simple way. It may even “just happen.”
But this is something that I struggle with. It’s funny, because I didn’t used to. Growing up, I was just like every other little girl who planned to someday marry (and possibly start a family). Even just a little over a year and a half ago, love and marriage was something that I wanted. Lately though, it’s something that I’ve been fighting against. Let me give you some history.
Growing up, I had my share of “crushes” on guys. Back when I was in middle school, I was okay with the idea of dating. When I got into high school though, my perspective and standards began to change. Due to a talk with my cousin and a couple of dreams, I realized that my first kiss is important to me. What came with that was the desire and firm decision that should I ever date, I would do so with marriage being the end goal in mind. That being set, any time I found myself liking a boy, I would go through a certain process to compress and eventually disintegrate the emotions completely. I first asked myself: is he a Christian? In all instances it was a no. But on the one or two occasions that it may have been, I would remind myself that I was not ready to get married. And so after that, with prayer, determination, and help from God, those emotions would quickly squander away.
As I found myself growing older with age, more often random bouts of loneliness would occur. In my limited knowledge and perspective, I thought this was an ache that would one day be filled with I found my future spouse. Until then I was resigned to just deal with the [occasionally extreme] internal pain…often expressing it though bouts of sobbing.
One day, through being in a highly God-centred environment where my knowledge was broadened and perspective changed, I realized something. That ache that I had was
not something that could be filled with the love of a spouse. It could really only be filled by God. Which may not make sense, seeing that God was already a part of my life since birth. But I realized the truth of it. That ache could only ever be fixed when I became satisfied with Jesus and His love. There was also something else I realized that coincided with loneliness. There were times in my life when I felt as though God was far away from me. Hidden, gone, whatever other ways there are to describe it. When reading the book
Passion For Jesus, by Mike Bickle, he wrote about the times when we feel lonely and as though God is far from us. He likened it to a father with his little child. When a dad plays hide and seek with his son in the backyard, and hides behind a tree, he makes sure that a part of him – perhaps a leg, or a hand – is sticking out, so that the child will easily find his parent. It’s the same way between us and God. God will purposely hide himself from us; not to make us feel lonely or punish us, but so that when we feel as if He’s away from us, instead of ignoring it or giving up trying, we’ll push forward and pursue seeking Him. When we do so, He’ll reveal Himself in a way that will be incredible. So both of those things helped me realize that I don’t
have to feel lonely anymore. And I haven’t ever since.
There was one time, almost two years ago, when I found myself falling for someone. Through a series of events and occurrences, I began to believe that they were the person I would eventually marry. Now, even though I thought this, I did not act on anything. I kept my thoughts to myself, and surrendered my emotions over to God on a daily basis.
You know how when you like someone, you look for little hints or signs that may show how they’re “the one?” I fell victim to that, but not in the normal way. I won’t go into specifics, out of concern that the same might happen to whoever may be reading this, but to me – at the time – they seemed rather logical and sensible. One of them was something to the effect of ‘I’m not looking to like anyone right now. I just want to focus on God. These feelings don’t seem to want to go away. Does that mean something?’ I have always been able to curb my emotions when I didn’t want to deal with the unnecessary need of liking someone. But these feelings seemed…
different. Obviously, things did not go the way I thought they would. And I’m glad. Because it wasn’t right; it wasn’t God’s plan.
Don’t misunderstand me though. Due to my extreme caution and awareness with the possibility that things may not work out like I thought they might, and through the daily surrender of emotions to God, and keeping my focus on Jesus, my heart wasn’t broken. It was never in a place where it could have been. I know now that it was a very good thing that things didn’t happen as I wanted them to. Because what my Father wants for me and has planned for my future is better than anything I could think of or want.
Now though…now I don’t want to “fall in love.” I don’t ever want to fall into the game of anticipation and misery. Wondering if he likes me, thinking he does, letting my feelings progress, feeling devastated when I realize it was all in my mind. Love is a fiend and trickster.
I don’t ever want to let my hopes get up prematurely. Thinking about someone and letting those thoughts wonder, only to later feel miserable and turmoil from the tug of war that love has pulled you in to is something I will no longer deal with. Despite what a friend of mine told me years ago, you
can control whom you like.
There are multiple reasons for why I do not want to fall in love. I suppose the biggest reason of all is this: When I find myself becoming attracted towards someone, I have the potential to let my mind dwell only on thoughts and feelings toward that individual. That being the case, my focus and my love no longer rests solely on Jesus. Instead, it deters from Him and in placed on someone else. From the past experience of putting someone in the place that only God should take in my life, I don’t ever want to go back there. My main worry
and desire is that I should be in a place where I’m satisfied through dissatisfaction, and my relationship with Jesus is so strong, that there will
never ever be the danger of someone taking His place in both my heart and my life.
I would rather remain single until the day I die learning to be satisfied in Him, than to marry and let my spouse take the place of God in my life. So until I reach the point of pure dedication and complete devotion to my Saviour, I pray that I will not be distracted with love and its tricks. Should I ever dare to fall in love, I hope against all hope that every single step will be clearly seen and understood by both people involved. That the path I may go down will be by His leading and that He will be the one guiding me down it.
