Personal Ramblings on Hate & Love

Life.  Why do we make it so much more complicated than it has to be?  Lately it just seems that I want to hate every one and every thing.  And how ridiculous is that?  My energy drains so much more quickly when I'm angry and upset, as opposed to when I'm happy and content.  And yet I still allow myself to be affected by the smallest of things.

I could say that I have no idea why I'm acting this way.  But that would be a lie.  I'm acting this way because of a very simple reason: I am allowing my self, my flesh, to control my actions and my decisions, as opposed to letting God control my life.  It is because I am not letting myself grow in my relationship with my Saviour...rather, I am doing nothing at all to draw nearer to Him.

Maybe I find it easier to hate than to love.  To love means pain and hurt.  It means disappointments and the breaking of promises.  Don't misunderstand me - I know that love can also be a wonderful thing to possess.  But hating everything means a very small chance of being hurt, no expectations will be crushed, and my life can't be ruined (yes, I know that makes no sense to you).

Is it, perhaps, that I'm scared to be loved?  I have no problem loving other people.  Loving others is something that I love to do.  Of course, there are those people in my life (even some family members) that I find it hard to love.  And I am far away from being perfected in love.  But that's why God called me home.  To learn to love certain family members fully with His heart, so that I will be able to fully love those who aren't family with His heart.  I'm sorry to say it's something that I've failed to make any sort of progress in within my past year of living at home.  I'm even more sorry to say that it's something I'm currently failing at in this present time.

But what happens when I reach that point?  The point of being perfected in love?  To say that it's impossible would be a falsehood.  It is possible to be perfected in love, otherwise the Bible wouldn't have said it to be so.  And once I'm perfected in love, that means my life will be void of fear.  What would that even feel like??

Today's culture and society has such a twisted view on love.  I know it could be very easy for me to fall into the twisted mindsets that so many others have trained themselves to think in.  Things such as:

'What if I'm broken and find it hard to love?  Maybe when someone comes along and sees me as I am, they'll love me for that.'

'I don't ever want to fall in love.  It's too much work.'

'Marriage is a terrifying thought.  I don't ever want to get married.'

'What if they love me and I change?  Will they still love me then?'

It's very possible that I am the reason why I'm not being perfected in love.  Wait.  Let me rephrase that.  I am the reason why I'm not being perfected in love.  I'm not allowing God to rule over every area in my life...especially my heart.  And if I'm not submitting to Him, then of course I cannot attain that which I hope to achieve.

But it's more than that.  My fear of being loved by someone else may be what's keeping me from wanting to fully love others.  I can't even wrap my mind around the idea.  And how can I accept the love of some other human individual, if I can't even accept the complete, total, and unconditional love of Jesus?  Is that my problem?  That I won't allow others to love me?

Here I was, thinking that my self-esteem has come such a long way from what it used to be a year ago (and believe me, it has).  But apparently, I still have much further to go.  How can I love others if I won't allow others to love me?

There's so much to think about, to ponder, to contemplate.  I don't even know where to begin.  I don't even know if I want to begin.

That's all for now.