It is about an hour away from midnight. I'm sitting in my room, cat curled up on my lap purring contentedly, my window is open just a smidgen, letting the fresh night air in. I heard a bird sing for a moment outside, and it lifted my spirit immensely.
I'm getting over being sick. Wednesday night I came to realise I had the flu, and I had to skip two days of work to recover. And as much as I disliked missing out on work and earning money that I need, it was nice to actually relax (as if you can call recovering from sickness relaxing) and catch up on some reading.
I don't know what anyone else is like when they get sick, but I get really loopy. I mean reallllllly loopy. Puns galore. I laugh at everythin- no, wait, I already laugh at everything I say...I just laugh 10 times more. And then the next day, everything that transpired between the time I was getting sick, to the time I actually was sick, is kind of a blur. I remember it, but not as detailed as I remember things when I'm not sick. I imagine that's what's like being drunk. And if it's that stupid, I don't want any part in it.
Moving on.
While recovering from sickness, everything just seems...amplified. And at the same time, it all seems really foggy and disoriented. If that makes any sort of sense. My brain is fogged and things aren't as clear as they should be. And the things that are amplified are fears and worries and things I don't like to think about because otherwise I get way to stressed and anxious and that is obviously not good.
I rather dislike it, actually. Being sick, having no work to keep my brain occupied, and suddenly things I've shoved aside and try to avoid thinking about are all over my thoughts and rushing around in circles. They build up and overwhelm me and I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of terror and anxiety. Which is not a lovely feeling at all.
And now I come to my point. Stress, anxiousness, worry - those are things that I do because I'm human. Because all humans feel these things. The problem, however, is that despite being human, I serve a God who is a God of peace which surpasses all understanding. Who tells me not to worry about tomorrow, because it's in His hands, and all I need to do is simply trust in Him. And when I do things like worry, fear, and stress, it shows that I'm taking things into my own hands, and not trusting Him, or surrendering those things that bother me over to Him. And that, very simply put, is wrong. Because if you had the choice, would you rather stress and freak out for the rest of your life, or very simply put your trust in the One who you know will never let you down and rest in His peace, never having to worry again? Personally, I'd go for the latter.
I suppose I'm saying I'm thankful that I got sick. Because in the midst of all the amplified fears and worries, it reminded me that feeling those things means I'm not trusting in Christ. And that reminder was needed. I'm glad my sight was pointed back in the right direction, on the One who is always faithful, who promises peace. And I'm going to do my best to put - and keep - my trust in Him.
Sunday 30 March 2014
Saturday 22 March 2014
Time For Change
Sometimes I just get really, deeply, intensely sad. Usually there's no reason for it, and I try not to think about the reason for why the sadness comes. Most of the time, it's shown by how much tea I drink. Don't ask me why, but I tend to drink a lot of tea when I get sad. A good sort of therapy, I suppose.
Tonight is one of those nights. Sadness has descended, and I am writing this post three cups of tea later. Forgive me if what I type is messy or incoherent. Late-night hours and being drunk on tea make for less than clearly executed written up thoughts.
I've mentioned before how love is a thing that terrifies me, and, for numerous reasons, marriage is something I never want to happen to me. This still stands. But in a culture that is so obsessed with "love" and being in the age bracket that I am, relationships, engagements, marriages, families are things that seem to be popping up left and right. So of course it's not really something I can avoid thinking about, because it's right in front of my face day after day.
But, there is a problem. Not wanting to love out of fear of being hurt, is not a healthy thing. I know this. I know that my dislike (fear?) of romantic love also is mixed with general love - as in, loving friends and family. I love the people in my life. Fiercely. But my fears keep me from loving them as much as I could. Or should. My heart is greatly capable of loving largely and deeply. But I don't allow it to reach those deepest depths of love. And I also suppose it keeps me from receiving love as much as I can as well.
I have never been hurt in the sense of romantic love. I mean, when I was younger, yes, there were the stupid junior high crushes that I had and cried over when finding out the boy didn't like me. But those were silly, childish things. And nothing that I haven't recovered from.
The only instance that I can think of being hurt to such an extent was when she died. And how painful it still is knowing she's gone forever. And while this has added to my preemptive strike of building up walls and keeping myself from loving too much, these walls were already in progress before her spirit left this world.
As much as I hate it, and as much as I don't want to let it go, I know I need to. I need to reach a place of being vulnerable, and allowing myself to accept the probability of pain that goes along with love. Not just for my own sake, but for the sake of those in my life. Friends. Family. God.
I hate saying this, but I need to let this happen. Let the Master Sculptor chisel away at the walls that I've built up so high, and form a new creation from the old. I can only make so much progress in my life, relationships, and walk with Christ before hitting roadblocks that I've set up. I'm getting in my own way.
I hate being soft. Or vulnerable. And I hate being hurt. I love cold, hard logic over irrational, stupid love. But how am I supposed to love like Christ if I'm keeping myself from loving or being loved in return? This isn't to say that I'm now ready for marriage. That is still a firm no in my mind. However, that no may change over time. It probably will, if I let my heart be shaped into its proper form.
I know I'm not the only one afraid of pain and hurt and loving fully. I have friends who feel the same way. And I know that one of the best forms of spiritual warfare, or ways to break things down, is to pray for others who have the same struggles or problems that I have. So. If you're reading this, and allowing yourself to love fully and be vulnerable is an issue for you, please let me know. I want to pray for you. And in turn, I hope you'll pray for me. And that way, by praying for each other, we'll make progress towards being more like Christ. More vulnerable. More open. More loving.
Tonight is one of those nights. Sadness has descended, and I am writing this post three cups of tea later. Forgive me if what I type is messy or incoherent. Late-night hours and being drunk on tea make for less than clearly executed written up thoughts.
I've mentioned before how love is a thing that terrifies me, and, for numerous reasons, marriage is something I never want to happen to me. This still stands. But in a culture that is so obsessed with "love" and being in the age bracket that I am, relationships, engagements, marriages, families are things that seem to be popping up left and right. So of course it's not really something I can avoid thinking about, because it's right in front of my face day after day.
But, there is a problem. Not wanting to love out of fear of being hurt, is not a healthy thing. I know this. I know that my dislike (fear?) of romantic love also is mixed with general love - as in, loving friends and family. I love the people in my life. Fiercely. But my fears keep me from loving them as much as I could. Or should. My heart is greatly capable of loving largely and deeply. But I don't allow it to reach those deepest depths of love. And I also suppose it keeps me from receiving love as much as I can as well.
I have never been hurt in the sense of romantic love. I mean, when I was younger, yes, there were the stupid junior high crushes that I had and cried over when finding out the boy didn't like me. But those were silly, childish things. And nothing that I haven't recovered from.
The only instance that I can think of being hurt to such an extent was when she died. And how painful it still is knowing she's gone forever. And while this has added to my preemptive strike of building up walls and keeping myself from loving too much, these walls were already in progress before her spirit left this world.
As much as I hate it, and as much as I don't want to let it go, I know I need to. I need to reach a place of being vulnerable, and allowing myself to accept the probability of pain that goes along with love. Not just for my own sake, but for the sake of those in my life. Friends. Family. God.
I hate saying this, but I need to let this happen. Let the Master Sculptor chisel away at the walls that I've built up so high, and form a new creation from the old. I can only make so much progress in my life, relationships, and walk with Christ before hitting roadblocks that I've set up. I'm getting in my own way.
I hate being soft. Or vulnerable. And I hate being hurt. I love cold, hard logic over irrational, stupid love. But how am I supposed to love like Christ if I'm keeping myself from loving or being loved in return? This isn't to say that I'm now ready for marriage. That is still a firm no in my mind. However, that no may change over time. It probably will, if I let my heart be shaped into its proper form.
I know I'm not the only one afraid of pain and hurt and loving fully. I have friends who feel the same way. And I know that one of the best forms of spiritual warfare, or ways to break things down, is to pray for others who have the same struggles or problems that I have. So. If you're reading this, and allowing yourself to love fully and be vulnerable is an issue for you, please let me know. I want to pray for you. And in turn, I hope you'll pray for me. And that way, by praying for each other, we'll make progress towards being more like Christ. More vulnerable. More open. More loving.
Monday 3 March 2014
Rain
It's past 1 a.m. and it's raining outside.
I hear the drops of water, pounding on my window, almost as if they're trying to force their way inside.
Have you ever thought about rain? I mean, yes, it comes down from the sky and gives life to plants and humans alike. But have you ever thought about it outside of its proper function?
Perhaps rain pounds against the windows because it has heard the pounding of a hand upon a door, and is trying to imitate the sound.
Maybe it wants to come inside, because the dryness of the air makes it cold, just like the rain itself makes us cold.
Could it be that rain has a different life span? Its life begins the moment it leaves the cloud, and ends the second it hits the ground. But what seems to us to be just few seconds in time, could be an entire lifetime to that single droplet of water.
What does rain see when it falls to the earth?
Does it feel the rushing of the air upon its body? Does the shape of the rain drop come from the speed at which it falls, and the air forced on it? Does it convey what it sees to the other rain drops around it, or all they all alone, unable to communicate with each other?
I'm sure if rain could speak, it would have marvelous tales to tell. Witnessing the homecoming of a lost soldier, the burial of a loved one, the birth of a new life. So many stories.
But perhaps being unable to speak, is what adds to the mystery of the rain.
Its silence of what is sees is somewhat a comfort.
For while it still seems to pound and sing as its life passes by, it brings feelings of warmth, coziness, and nostalgia to those who are inside, listening to its song.
It just may be, that next time you're outside in the rain, it would do you some good to put down your umbrella and just stand there, face up to the sky. To listen to the whispers of the rain. And let your being reflect upon those tiny droplets of water, making yourself a part of their seemingly short-lived lives.
I hear the drops of water, pounding on my window, almost as if they're trying to force their way inside.
Have you ever thought about rain? I mean, yes, it comes down from the sky and gives life to plants and humans alike. But have you ever thought about it outside of its proper function?
Perhaps rain pounds against the windows because it has heard the pounding of a hand upon a door, and is trying to imitate the sound.
Maybe it wants to come inside, because the dryness of the air makes it cold, just like the rain itself makes us cold.
Could it be that rain has a different life span? Its life begins the moment it leaves the cloud, and ends the second it hits the ground. But what seems to us to be just few seconds in time, could be an entire lifetime to that single droplet of water.
What does rain see when it falls to the earth?
Does it feel the rushing of the air upon its body? Does the shape of the rain drop come from the speed at which it falls, and the air forced on it? Does it convey what it sees to the other rain drops around it, or all they all alone, unable to communicate with each other?
I'm sure if rain could speak, it would have marvelous tales to tell. Witnessing the homecoming of a lost soldier, the burial of a loved one, the birth of a new life. So many stories.
But perhaps being unable to speak, is what adds to the mystery of the rain.
Its silence of what is sees is somewhat a comfort.
For while it still seems to pound and sing as its life passes by, it brings feelings of warmth, coziness, and nostalgia to those who are inside, listening to its song.
It just may be, that next time you're outside in the rain, it would do you some good to put down your umbrella and just stand there, face up to the sky. To listen to the whispers of the rain. And let your being reflect upon those tiny droplets of water, making yourself a part of their seemingly short-lived lives.
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