Secret Dreams

All day today I have spent feeling absent-minded, distracted, in my own world, my heart pounding.

I've been dreaming of the future.

I'm sure there that most of us have secret dreams that we wish we could live out.  Things that we wouldn't waste another breath before saying yes to, if all the circumstances were right.  Things that we don't bother chasing because of one reason, one excuse, that is in the way of our ability to go hard and fast after what we really want to do.

Over the years, there have been many things that I've wanted to become, to do with my life.  But, as time goes on, those things have changed.  Still, a few of those dreams still linger in the back corner of my mind.

At work today, I spent most of my spare time pondering one of the things that I wanted to be when I was younger.  Something that is still a secret dream of mine today, should I be forced to admit it.  People have told me that I should enter into this particular field of work, and I jokingly agree with them (while seriously wishing that I could have this particular job).  I did some research on what it would take to go into this field, and, as expected, the requirements and guidelines are heavy.  However, they are still attainable.  Which means it's a possibility for me to actually make it into that line of work.

And so I spent today dreaming about what would happen should I actually seek to make it into that kind of work industry.  My heart pounded.  I felt sick to my stomach.  But I also felt really, really excited.  It is completely out of my comfort zone.  Something that I have dreamed of doing on and off throughout the years, but never seriously considered.  It was as though it was an unattainable goal for me.  But researching it, poking my nose around to see what it actually entails, made me realise that it could actually be possible.

Though, as I mentioned already, thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  It would require doing things new and unknown to me.  Adventure, travel, and the like.  Perhaps some risk and danger.  As a loudly-proclaimed homebody who is hobbit-like in the sense of disliking adventure, it is exactly the opposite of what I would seek to do.  At the same time though...it is something I think I would excel in; something I would really love to do.

So who knows?  It's a dream.  Like all dreams, no matter how crazy they seem, it is attainable.  I figure at the very least, I can make plans for the next five years, including trying to get into this profession.  Applying, and if it works out, it works out!  If not, I can say that I tried.  And even if I try and it works out, I can still change my mind.  It's not set in stone, it's not the only path I will be allowed to stay on for the rest of my life.

I think it is time to seek and pray and listen.  To make plans, to have goals set, but to be willing to change what needs to be changed to fit God's will.  If the time isn't now, or isn't in the near future, that doesn't mean that it won't ever be time.  It just means that I will have to remind myself to wait and be patient.

Now.
Back to dreaming.

In the months of May-August, weddings are pretty common.  And when you're in your twenties, everyone around you is at that age of getting married and then starting a family.  Well, not everyone, but it certainly seems to be everyone with how often it happens.

I have noticed that people who are my age, single, and female, tend to get emotional over weddings.  They sigh, they laugh, they cry, they watch the joy of the bride and groom, wishing that they were the ones up there.  Instead, they're alone, single, not taken.  And as much as they love the sappy romantic atmosphere of a wedding, it also reminds them how alone they feel in the world.

I am not one of these girls.

I have no desire to be married, or be in a relationship.  When I think about the things that marriage entails: companionship, intimacy, sex, sharing everything with someone else...none of these things appeal to me.  I have tried not to be outspoken about my desire to stay away from marriage, because I don't want to seem like I speak out against it so much because I actually want to be married.

It's as if people don't seem to understand that a person would actually choose to be single.  Some people long for someone to call theirs.  Others cannot fathom not being in a relationship, so they go from boyfriend to boyfriend or girlfriend to girlfriend and are incapable of discovering who they are as an individual without someone by their side.

I am saying all this because I just got home from attending a wedding of two friends.  Two people who very clearly love each other and couldn't wait to start spending the rest of their lives together.  Who will probably begin a family within their first year of marriage.

But when I go to weddings...when I was at this wedding...I was there to celebrate for them.  With them.  But I wasn't stirred up with a longing to have someone by my side.  I didn't have the desire to fall in love and find some dashing older man to call "dear."  I was reminded of how I am content to be where I am, and happy that I don't have to deal with the turmoil of emotions that accompany being infatuated with someone.

However.

I did find my emotions stirred up in another way.  I so easily and so willingly push away the desire to love and be loved by the people around me.  Not from bitterness (never from bitterness), but from the fear of getting hurt.  Of being too soft, too vulnerable, too open.

This is something I am trying to fix.  To work on, to grow in, to surrender.  But it is not easy.  In attending this wedding, and hearing the words that were spoken, seeing the looks on the faces of the people, I did feel something stirring within me.  Like Christ was there, softly speaking to my heart, trying to help push me in the right direction, showing me that love is worth it.

Because honestly, that is the one thing I struggle with most.

To know that love is worth it.

And truth be told, I know that love is worth it all.  I know that Love is the most powerful thing in the world; Love is what conquered death.  But knowing all these things in my head, is very, very different than knowing them in my heart.  Once the full knowledge of these truths penetrates my heart, that - THAT - is when things can begin to move and change.

Perhaps I am standing in the way of myself.  Deliberately refusing to let the truth sink in to where it can stir things up, begin to change them.  It seems that fear is what is often the source of my being able to let things begin, go where they need to go.

And what a complex circle.  For as it says in 1 John, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment (4.18)."  So to live a life absent of fear, I must be perfected in love.  But learning to love is something I fear, so I prevent myself from being perfected in love.

I don't know.  I am tired, exhausted from all the human interaction of the day, and I have to go to work tomorrow.  I am sure things will be more clear, less confusing, and more logical in the morning.