You ever just sit and question and wonder why the fuck you're still alive and what has prevented you from ending it already?

Because I do.
Goddamn do I wonder that.

If we're being completely honest?
On the surface it seems like things are okay and I'm happy and I have my shit together.
But really...I still want to die.
Oh how I want to die.
And not be here.
Alive.
Living this unknown hell.

Ha.
Alcohol may not be a good idea, but it's better than nothing.
Fuck antidepressants.
And life.
And not knowing.
And being sad and broken all the time.
Stuck in a routine and not caring enough but caring too much.
For failing and falling short and eventually not living up to expectations.
For panicking and wanting to run and wondering what the fuck am I actually doing.

I just want to die.
I. Just. Want. To. Die.

Is this nightmare over yet?

Sometimes people ask questions that just pierce your insides and settle down and they churn and churn in the back of your mind.  And you wonder about the answer and if you even have an answer and if you do, what that answer might possibly be.  And that damn question is marinating and you feel like you should have an answer and that something is wrong if you don’t.

But it’s okay if you don’t always have an answer for things.

Though I sit here and I wonder and I think - too hard, probably - about the question my aunt posed me when I told her about you.

“Do you love him?”

At the time she asked, I knew, at the very least, that I liked you.  A fair amount, in fact.  But love?  A hard question for someone who doesn’t have the best idea of what that truly is.

Ever since she asked, though, I keep thinking about it.  And wondering.  ‘Do I?’

I know that when I came back from my trip, I missed you dreadfully.  And realised just how fond I am of you.  And the more time I spend with you, the more I find myself caring about you, imagining a future with you.  Being with you.

Falling in love means you’re blind and you don’t see where you’re going.  But growing in love is slow and steady and safe; safe in a way that builds a solid foundation for a lifetime.  The more time passes the more feelings grow and the more love has the opportunity to cultivate.

There are some things that I have been too afraid to ask or admit to myself in the past.  For fear of getting hurt, of facing the truth, of who knows what else.  All rational concerns, probably, but have been hinderences in regards to having closure and finding clarity.

So here I find myself constantly thinking about you.  About the question my aunt asked.  About how much I care for you.

And over and over you keep proving yourself, keep showing that you are a good man.  You are kind, you are caring, your are intelligent, you are safe.  And I see this and I can’t help but question how on earth did I get someone as incredible as you in my life and how is this real??

But even more so, I realise how much I have grown to care about you.

And I question this, because I don’t want what I feel to be based off of the heat of the moment, of emotions that are escalted, but inaccurate because of the circumstances.

Not saying something for the sake of saying it, because it felt “right” when things were all riled up.

And again.

Thinking about this all rationally and logically, when my aunt posed the question, the answer was no.  I knew I liked you, knew I cared for you (admittedly, not nearly as much as you cared for me), knew I wanted you in my life.  And I could see myself growing to love you...slowly.

Because let’s be honest: being hurt in ways that may not seem severe, have left me deeply scarred and with a penchant for building up layers and layers of walls miles high.  Get hurt again?  Be broken when I’m still mending?  No thank you.

I know I am still reserved.

Still hesitent, because I still can’t believe I have found someone who puts as much effort into relationships as I do.  All 150%.  And means what they say and intends to follow through with what they talk about doing, instead of talk for the sake of filling the silence.

But I am trying my best to be unreserved.

To trust fully and believe and care about you.

...to love you.

Because when I look in your eyes and I think about all that you have done for me in such a short amount of time and how you continually prove yourself to me, I think more and more about that question.

“Do you love him?”

(I think...I think the answer is yes.)

Yes.