Silence, please.

I am finally (re)learning how to enjoy silence.

It has been a long time since I've been at this point.
I would say about 4+ years ago, I was fine with sitting in silence.  Immersing myself in it.  I enjoyed being at home without noise.  Driving for hours without music.  Just sitting and letting things...be.

I have observed (learned) that a lot of people fear silence.  For one reason or another, perhaps even multiple reasons.  I think the majority of people are terrified to be alone with their thoughts.  They let who they interact with, what they listen to or read, their jobs, all of those things determine who they are as individuals.  They let the outside world define them (and their social status), instead of allowing themselves to be introspective and figuring out who they are from themselves.

Being alone with your thoughts means facing who you are at the end of the day.  Who you are alone, with no one else around to decide who you are.  Which, if you are like most people in this desensitized and materialistic society, is a terrifying thing.  You surround yourself with people all day long, at the gym, at work, socializing after work, only to get home and fall into bed, exhausted, after a day of going, going, going.  But you rinse and repeat.  Because a measure of worth is your bragging rights of how many hours your worked this week, how small the amount of hours you slept are, and what your take home pay is.

It's not the qualities and quirks that make you, you.  Why on earth would immeasurable things like your integrity, your honesty, your ability to do what is right when no one is looking, be ways to measure your worth as a person?  No.  In a world where things that you can hold and touch and see and count have a clear measurement of worth, it is the things that you can measure (lack of sleep, hours spent at work) that make you "valuable."


But I digress.

I found myself becoming that kind of person a few years ago.  That I needed to go, go, go and be busy and active and, well, forget time to rest!  Then I remembered how important it was to actually take a step back, breathe, and rest.  For at least one day.  To help balance myself, to get away from the noise of the world and the busy-ness.  To reset.  I made it a priority - and sometimes I had to force myself to remember to do so - to take it easy and not rush around.  To go out and do things I enjoyed.  Hiking.  Being out in nature.  Writing.

But over the past four years or so, my head has become much less...friendly.  While I hate noise in general (and here I'm not just referring to sound, but traffic, too many people...things that overload my senses), I found myself unable to sit in silence like I used to.  In fact, I couldn't really let myself sit in silence at all, regardless of how much I needed it - especially to help my brain reset.


Here I am now, though.

Able to withstand silence again.  Not dreading it, not putting on music or netflix for noise to distract me from my head and the torment of my thoughts.  In fact, I would say I've gone the exact opposite way.  Now I love silence, and most of the time, the thought of turning on the tv (as much as I may want to binge-watch The Office over and over again) makes me cringe.

My head is still my enemy from time to time (more often than not, actually), but it has become tolerable.  I am able to think, to ponder, to reflect...just as I used to.  Not in the same way, or on the same subjects, but generally speaking, silence has once again become golden.

It's strange, I have to admit.  Realising that I am okay with silence and embracing it.  Partially because it has been so long since I've been at this point.  But also partially because the noise and distraction of music or the tv also help keep me awake - especially when it's mid-day and I need to continue to stay up until a reasonable bedtime hour approaches.  Ha.


With My Heart being gone, I think this has also emphasized the need for silence.  I am often thinking of him, recalling memories of happy times together, thinking of new things to write him about.  I'm not sure this will continue whenever we're reunited again.  (Partially because he likes to have background noise on.)  But perhaps a balance can be found.

Silence is good.
It's peaceful.
It gives time to reflect and think and even learn from past mishaps, however small they may be.


It's good to be reunited with an old friend.