What are you supposed to do when you want to die?
When you'd rather sleep for forever, instead of waking up in the mornings, feeling drained the second you open your eyes, and your first waking thought is 'I wish I was dead?'
Existing is getting to be more and more of a struggle these days.
Forcing myself to stick to a routine, even though my heart isn't in it.
Being more aware than ever how fucked up my body is and how it will never get better and that I have to live with this the rest of my life.
My mind feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and responsibilities and things that need to get done, not getting any peace from it, and shutting down more and more with each thought that I have.
...I don't want to do this anymore.
Be alive.
Try.
...exist.
It's like all of me is shut down and my mind, my body, is operating on auto pilot.
Except I can't even guilt-trip myself into going to the gym, or getting things done that absolutely NEED to get done in the next few days.
I feel so dead inside.
And to distract myself from my misery and how awful I feel, I plant myself in my chair, turn on the t.v., and waste the day away with its noise.
All the better than drowning in my own thoughts and succumbing to the darkness even more than I already have.
Please just let this all be over with, already.
Let life just end.
I am so tired and weary of feeling this way.
Of the constant torment of my thoughts.
The constant torture of existing.
Of all my failures and mistakes and the inevitability that I will always fuck things up, I will never be good enough, I will never *be* enough.
I just want to die.
Friday 21 June 2019
Thursday 20 June 2019
Do Unto Others
All my life I have heard this phrase.
"Do unto others what you would have them do unto you."
Most people have heard this phrase. It's commonly known as "the golden rule." However, taken out of context, it seems to mean simply what it says.
What you want done to you, do to others.
Loosely translated, the approach - or interpretation - of this phrase, can merely been seen as "be kind." Simple enough, right?
Wrong.
Because if you're like me, you may do exactly what this phrase suggests. You know what courtesies you would like others to extend to you, so you extend those exact same courtesies towards others. Aaaaaand, that's where the problem lies.
Because every single person on this earth is different. Your experiences, your past, has made you who you are as an individual right at this very moment. How you interpret the world is different than how I interpret it; meaning, what courtesies I want extended to me, most likely do not match the courtesies you would like extended towards you.
So this phrase - in it's mere stated, out-of-context form - really tends to make things more complicated than simple.
What I want done to me, others may not want done to them. And what others want done to them, I may not want done to me.
And if you think about it, approaching the world from this point of very can actually be pretty fucking selfish. Because, essentially, you're taking into account what you like and how you want others to treat you...not thinking about others and what they might like and how they may want to be treated...which could be so extremely different from what you want.
So, yes, be kind to others. Extend common courtesies to them. But don't go around with the asinine, presumptuous mindset that everyone around you is like you, and therefore, must clearly like and dislike the things you like and dislike. Or that they must want to be treated the same way you want to be treated. Because there's a good chance, that they may not feel the same way you feel about certain things.
And take this phrase into context.
Its origin is from the Bible - Matthew 7:12, to be exact.
"Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets."
Or better yet, The Message translation:
"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get."
That makes a little more sense, don't you think?
"Do unto others what you would have them do unto you."
Most people have heard this phrase. It's commonly known as "the golden rule." However, taken out of context, it seems to mean simply what it says.
What you want done to you, do to others.
Loosely translated, the approach - or interpretation - of this phrase, can merely been seen as "be kind." Simple enough, right?
Wrong.
Because if you're like me, you may do exactly what this phrase suggests. You know what courtesies you would like others to extend to you, so you extend those exact same courtesies towards others. Aaaaaand, that's where the problem lies.
Because every single person on this earth is different. Your experiences, your past, has made you who you are as an individual right at this very moment. How you interpret the world is different than how I interpret it; meaning, what courtesies I want extended to me, most likely do not match the courtesies you would like extended towards you.
So this phrase - in it's mere stated, out-of-context form - really tends to make things more complicated than simple.
What I want done to me, others may not want done to them. And what others want done to them, I may not want done to me.
And if you think about it, approaching the world from this point of very can actually be pretty fucking selfish. Because, essentially, you're taking into account what you like and how you want others to treat you...not thinking about others and what they might like and how they may want to be treated...which could be so extremely different from what you want.
So, yes, be kind to others. Extend common courtesies to them. But don't go around with the asinine, presumptuous mindset that everyone around you is like you, and therefore, must clearly like and dislike the things you like and dislike. Or that they must want to be treated the same way you want to be treated. Because there's a good chance, that they may not feel the same way you feel about certain things.
And take this phrase into context.
Its origin is from the Bible - Matthew 7:12, to be exact.
"Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets."
Or better yet, The Message translation:
"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God’s Law and Prophets and this is what you get."
That makes a little more sense, don't you think?
Friday 14 June 2019
I forgot how beautiful of a colour crimson is.
How comforting of a sight those small beads are.
First, starting off as separate, then, more and more, gathering together into one long stream.
A red trickle.
Running down my leg.
Drip, drip, dripping on the floor.
That solace of that sharp blade.
How it increases my focus on the here, on the now.
Drawing me in with its sweet siren song.
Helping me forget - for just a split second - all the chaos in my head.
And then that moment is gone.
And I just want more.
More.
More.
More.
An appetite that is never fulfilled.
A pain that is never too much.
Just one more time.
(And another. And another. And another.)
How comforting of a sight those small beads are.
First, starting off as separate, then, more and more, gathering together into one long stream.
A red trickle.
Running down my leg.
Drip, drip, dripping on the floor.
That solace of that sharp blade.
How it increases my focus on the here, on the now.
Drawing me in with its sweet siren song.
Helping me forget - for just a split second - all the chaos in my head.
And then that moment is gone.
And I just want more.
More.
More.
More.
An appetite that is never fulfilled.
A pain that is never too much.
Just one more time.
(And another. And another. And another.)
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