What are you supposed to do when you want to die?

When you'd rather sleep for forever, instead of waking up in the mornings, feeling drained the second you open your eyes, and your first waking thought is 'I wish I was dead?'


Existing is getting to be more and more of a struggle these days.
Forcing myself to stick to a routine, even though my heart isn't in it.
Being more aware than ever how fucked up my body is and how it will never get better and that I have to live with this the rest of my life.
My mind feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and responsibilities and things that need to get done, not getting any peace from it, and shutting down more and more with each thought that I have.


...I don't want to do this anymore.


Be alive.
Try.

...exist.


It's like all of me is shut down and my mind, my body, is operating on auto pilot.
Except I can't even guilt-trip myself into going to the gym, or getting things done that absolutely NEED to get done in the next few days.


I feel so dead inside.

And to distract myself from my misery and how awful I feel, I plant myself in my chair, turn on the t.v., and waste the day away with its noise.
All the better than drowning in my own thoughts and succumbing to the darkness even more than I already have.

Please just let this all be over with, already.
Let life just end.

I am so tired and weary of feeling this way.
Of the constant torment of my thoughts.
The constant torture of existing.
Of all my failures and mistakes and the inevitability that I will always fuck things up, I will never be good enough, I will never *be* enough.



I just want to die.