Seven.

I'm here, but I'm not.

For those of you who are aware of the Myers-Briggs personality types, mine is an IxTJ.  Meaning I can switch back and forth between the S and N.  One main aspect of my INTJ personality, is the "out of body" mentality INTJ's have.  Don't misunderstand, it's not some spiritual mumbo-jumbo "out of body" experience thing.  It's more so like my mind and my body are so disconnected, that often I ignore how my body feels, because my mind is elsewhere.  It's distracted, I'm constantly lost in my head and among my own thoughts, I can't tell you specifically why or how my body feels off, all I know is that it just is.

That being said, the past week or so, my mind has been so extremely disconnected from my body, that I know I'm here and I'm living and breathing and alive, but it doesn't feel like it.

I find myself driving somewhere, and try to remind myself that I'm here, that I'm in this place, that I'm alive, but the disconnect is so great, nothing really feels real.

I don't feel real.

And more and more the disconnect grows.
My mind is in a fog, I'm disoriented, dizzy, distracted.


It doesn't help that it's July...


I keep trying to make myself realise I'm here.
That I exist.
That I need to take care of myself, need to eat and drink water and exercise.

But it doesn't help.
I'm in such a stupor that, essentially, I'm a walking zombie.

Life is a dream from which I cannot wake.


...and how desperately I want this dream to end.

I've never been a fan of change.

I've learned to stop fighting against it; change is going to happen, regardless if I want it to, or not.  Change is a part of life.  And so long as you're alive, you're going to partake in life.  Which means, partaking in change.

I know life has different seasons.  Seasons of peace, seasons of hardship, seasons of the unknown, seasons of adventure...anything and everything.  But I think I'm realising that seasons of waiting - like right now - are not seasons that I'm good at.

I'm not comfortable being in limbo in my life.  I like to have at least a general idea of where things are headed.  Of knowing what my next step will be.  What my days will look like during the week.  Patterns and repetition and habits are good things.  They help ease my mind, keep me from stressing out, I know what is going to happen, I have less to worry about that way.


But right now I am in between things.

I moved from one side of the US, to the other.
I have no job lined up.
I was planning on going to school, but honestly I have no idea if that is even realistic anymore.
I feel like I'm not doing my fair share in my relationship...and I hate that feeling.  I hate feeling like I'm just taking and not giving, like I'm a burden because I don't have a job and my mere existence contributes nothing.

Before moving here I felt like there was so much potential.
I thought I would go back to school.
Get my degrees in two years; no work, just plow right through and get my degrees as quickly as possible so I can finally enter the job field in the areas that I want to work in.
Possibly finally settle down into a routine.
School, gym, time with the love of my life.

But it doesn't seem so easy now.

It seems less easy when you realise you're not on the same page as someone else.
When things will never fully be lined up, when differences of opinion and beliefs are unbalanced, when statements made are very biased and one-sided...

And your heart grows so heavy.
And it feels like you can barely carry yourself.
And the first thought that comes to your mind when you wake up is, once again, 'I want to die.'


There is so much going on.
And I feel so much stress and pressure.
And my brain just shuts down on me, and I can't function properly, and it's all a mess.


Life is messy.
Sometimes it can be a beautiful mess.
But right now it feels like a hurricane that will never die down, and I am cowering under cover, waiting for a storm to pass, but knowing it never actually will.


The more time passes, the more my heart sinks deeper within me.
The heavier it feels.
And the less likely it feels like this will all be okay.


Everything will be okay.
Eventually.
I know it will.

But maybe my version of "okay," is very different than what the reality of "okay" will look like.
Regardless...everything will be okay.  Eventually.

...right?