Sometimes...I try to make myself sit in the sadness.
Not to give in to it, only to make it worse.  But rather, to process.  To understand that I'm feeling what I'm feeling, and to try to figure out why I feel that way.  If there's a reason.  And if not, to just...let it be.

But I can't do that this time.
I feel it so deeply inside of me.  Like it's a disease clawing its way from my insides towards the outside.  Depraving the earth inside of me of life, causing my very being to become like the parched desert ground.  Dry and cracked and screaming for relief from the rains.

There is a lump in my throat that won't go away.  My heart feels like it's located in my stomach, and the cavity of my chest is filled with worry and heartache and terror.  I can't cry, because I am done being so weak all the time.  And if I let that dam loose, it won't ever stop.


I am restless.
I can't focus.
I can't sleep.
Even if my body hurts, I cannot seem to be able to rest.


(I am terrified.)


I guess this is a side affect of love.
To be sick with worry.  To not be able to sleep when the one who holds your heart isn't beside you at night.  To feel restless from the heavy sadness that sets over you from being apart.


Who knew loving someone so fiercely and so deeply would cause so much pain and heartache and worry over the grief of their absence and terror that they won't return to you?





I want to die.