I wear a mask.

That is to say, when I'm not alone, I wear a mask.
In the 12+ years that I've struggled with depression, I learned early on that people are not okay with you being real with them.
When someone asks "how are you?" they don't really want to know.  Really, they're just asking because it's just "something you say" when greeting someone.
In high school I used to answer that question honestly, and people usually responded with horror or surface-concern or they just looked at me like I was growing another arm out of my neck.

I learned early on that most people want to continue to deceive themselves in their happy little bubble where life is fine and dandy and people don't struggle with issues like depression or suicidal ideation. 
I learned this because for a while there, I didn't put on a brave (in a manner of speaking) face.  I let myself just...be.  I didn't smile or laugh or joke.  I merely existed, because that's all that I was capable of at the time.
But people didn't like that.  They were uncomfortable with being around someone who wasn't happy or joking around, and besides, nobody likes being around a "debby downer."

So I learned.
I learned to put on a face.
I learned to smile and laugh and act happy and like everything was right in my world, even though inside, my mind was a nightmare I could not wake up from.


And that mask still goes on flawlessly when I'm with people.

To a certain extent, humour is my defense mechanism.  Yes, I am actually a hilarious person.  But also when I'm uncomfortable and my defenses are up, I resort to cracking jokes like no other.

Another part of that, though, is merely playing along.  Playing the game of acting like people want me to act, expect me to act, because people don't want to face the reality that perhaps there are others out there who struggle with uncomfortable thing.  Thinks like depression and anxiety and trauma.


There is only one person in my life where I have allowed myself to completely let my guard down.  Where I don't feel like I have to put on an act or joke around all the time.  Where I can be silent.  Where I can just sit and struggle to exist, and not have to put on a show on top of that.

That person struggles with it, sometimes.  I would be lying if I said they didn't.  After all, how hard is it to see someone you love struggle with a darkness you cannot dispel?  Sometimes it can get tiring.  You want them to be happy.  You want them to smile and be lighthearted.  To not struggle anymore.  It can, without a doubt, be a test of patience.
And a test of love.


It's funny, how easily I slide into my mask without realising it.  Only to be aware of what I did as soon as it's not required anymore, and by how drained I feel out of seemingly nowhere.


We all have masks.
We all feel they're necessary at one point or another.
I just hope we also all have people where we can sit with, bare-faced, and still be loved.

Time.
It's a limited thing.
We only have so many days, weeks, years to live before our time is up.
It's not a guarantee.
We are not promised tomorrow.

I have been hyper aware of my mortality since I was 14.  I know that I'm going to die someday.  And so by this knowledge, I know that my time on this earth is limited.

Which makes me look to the future.  To look to the end goal.  What am I doing now, in my everyday life, that will bear fruit and goodness in my future?

Certainly not wasting time.  Not spending minute after minute glued to my phone screen, my computer screen, ignoring the beauty around me, and the loved ones who are present with me.


On one hand, knowing that time is so precious, it makes me think I should let everything go.  Because at the end of the day, knowing that the people I love are safe, knowing that I get to be with them, should be enough.  And if that's enough, I shouldn't worry about issues that arise or ongoing problems that need to be solved...right?

But on the other hand, those problems don't go away.  They will never be magically fixed.  The only way to improve and make things better and be rid of problems is to work to solve them.  Which is why I find myself fighting so often and so hard to try to fix fucking everything, because I don't want these issues to continue, thus wasting the limited time that I have!


Years ago I decided that when I was out with friends, intentionally spending time with people I love, that I would not give attention to my phone.  Yes, if an important check in text was needed, that was one thing, but I would not keep whipping out my phone while with my friend(s).  What message does that send?  "Hey, I tell you you're important to me, but see my action here?  Yeah, this one where I keep pulling out my phone to mindlessly check it, practically unaware that I'm doing it?  Yeah, this is me wordlessly screaming at you that you are, in fact, not that important to me."

Fuck that.

But what happens when you're in a relationship with someone?  Yes, you are intentionally spending time with them, but eventually it becomes a routine thing, spending time with them.  So maybe that rule doesn't apply as much.  But to get so comfortable with someone to where you end up being on your phone 90% of the time when you're with them?  Well.  That begins to send a pretty clear message.


Technology can be our downfall.  I know I'm guilty of it.  Routinely checking my phone, my apps, my social media platforms, seeing if anyone is paying attention to me (ironic, as I hate attention).  Every so often I am re-awakened to the fact that I'm on my phone too much, so I make it a point to consciously set it aside.  I refuse to let myself be attached to it.  I will leave it in other rooms as I go someplace else in my house, because it doesn't need to be with me all the time.

At the end of the day, yes.  Knowing the people I love are safe?  That's what's important.  But what's also important is that the limited time I have is not wasted.  So instead of repeated fights about the same things over and over again, I will push to solve the problem(s), to find solutions, so that my time is not wasted on what's wrong and what needs to be fixed, but rather focused on what matters and what's important: the people I love.

I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me, and I can't breathe.
I feel sick to my stomach.

How many more times do I have to lie to myself?
How many more times do I have to fool myself into trusting people?
Over and over and over you give someone a chance, you tell yourself that they're telling the truth, and yet, you find out here and there the lies they've told you.

No more.
I'm done being blind, I'm done being a fucking idiot.
I'm done trusting.


Get back to me when you decide to tell the truth 24/7.