I can't stop thinking about him.

I am an idiot.

I thought I was doing better.  Being back home in California, back in February, helped, even though it was because of the death of someone so dearly loved.  But I was able to go to places that were familiar, that I loved, that were mine.

And then in March, things started to go downhill.  I started thinking about him on a daily basis again (when I had started to go for a few days at a time of not thinking about him).  But out of nowhere... wham.

The body keeps the score, right?  March marked two years of being in this fucking state I never wanted to actually live in.  March marked two years of being separated from the person who was supposed to be my person.  Additionally, going back to the gym, a place where I may not have had personal ties WITH him physically, but certainly spent every waking moment and thought on him when I was there in the past, because everything was so raw and fresh and unbearable...that those things are tied there, too.

And now it's June, but this downward slump hasn't stopped.  Seeing a person I love marry someone who loves her and loves her so well she is secure in that love and doesn't have to question it, made me happy for her, but just reminded me of how I was never secure in his love.  I think deep down I always knew he would eventually abandon me...I just wish he would have done it sooner.

If someone tells you you deserve someone better, maybe believe them if they don't put in the work and effort to become the person you think they deserve.  Because eventually they will abandon you, betray you, destroy your world, cause unspeakable trauma, and make you wish you had the courage to not be alive anymore.

Because the one person who was suppose to be your person, the person who made vows for better or worse, that you wouldn't part until death, the person who wrote you and said they chose you now, and always and forever, ended up being a liar.  They only wanted to be with you when things were easy.  When you made them feel good.  But when things got hard, they didn't want to keep their vow.  They didn't want to put in the work.  They didn't want to prove to you that they could be the "better" person you deserved.  No.  They gave up, they quit, and they proved to you that you are worth nothing.

That no one loves you, that you are not worth the effort, that you are pointless and worthless.

I don't know why I'm still here.

(I do.  It's because I'm still a coward who can't find the bravery to no longer exist.)