This evening my therapist told me "I think the way you love is very rare."  She then continued "and I think because of that, you won't meet many people who will see that, or understand and appreciate it for what it is."

I didn't ask her to expound on what she meant by that...I should have.  I think I know what she meant, but it would also have been nice to hear it put into words, so maybe I can see how she thinks I love.  Part of me felt special for her saying that.  The other part of me felt cursed, because that's how I feel about myself a lot these days.

Cursed to feel deeply.  Cursed to have so much love, and no one to give it to.  Cursed to have loved someone with my whole heart, and to still love him even though he abandoned and rejected me.  Cursed to be me, because not once has it ever felt like a good thing, being me.  (Okay, that's a lie, maybe for a split second there, in the first few months of marriage (when we weren't even together, so that's saying something), where I felt like I was flying high, because I was married to the man I chose to love, a man who saw me more than I had ever been seen in my life, and still decided he loved me and wanted to be married to me, where I got thrills when he called me his wife.  That felt good.)

Been feeling very angsty lately, in the sense of feeling like a tortured artist.  As a good example, I've had "Vincent" covered by NOFX on repeat a lot lately.  Because how they sing about Van Gogh is exactly how I feel.  "You took your life as lovers often do."  Yeah, no kidding.

I don't like the way I am.  I don't like how I feel deeply.  Even worse, I don't like how I allowed myself to start feeling things for a man I loved, because I thought he was worth it, which unleashed how much I truly do feel things, only for that (very big) part of me to be criticised and rejected and be treated as a bad thing (instead of treasured, which you think him being an artist himself would have known it was something to treasure and protect).  And how now I can't seem to not feel, and that's all I want, because feeling only means constant pain.  It's probably why I learned to shut myself off/down growing up, because feeling things got me in trouble, so it was better to not feel, to be less in trouble, and to not feel what would have been extreme pain of not getting the [positive] attention and affection I (as any child) needed.  

It would have been worth it if he stuck by my side through the hard time we were going through, but like so many people of the world who are self-serving and only care about their own self gratification, it got hard and didn't make him happy anymore, so he left.  And like my therapist pointed out tonight, you will not find people outside of the Church who understand the concept of sacrifice and sticking with a marriage in hard times, because it's a covenant that is not to be broken regardless of how you feel or how unhappy you are.

I also told her about the tattoo I have in his handwriting, and how I have the opportunity to have it removed and quickly talked about how that was making me feel, and my thought process on that, and even the part about my brain being stupid because of one particular thing I was thinking, and she commented "that's not because you're stupid, it's because you're a romantic."

Which then got me talking about how he called me out for being a romantic early on when we were dating, but like an OG romantic, in how things usually end in tragedy.  And oh look, my life DID end up in tragedy, but not because I caused it, but because him - of all people - caused the tragedy.  Love that irony, I really do.

Anyway.

At least someone, to some degree, sees me.  My therapist has so far pegged me for being extremely logical, being a romantic, my mind being creative, and for loving in a way that is rare.  Eventually she'll see that I'm not a good person, but for now I'll take her seeing some positive things about me.