It's finally gone.
After fantasizing since 2022 about carving the tattoo that was a lie out of my skin, I was able to get it removed via surgical excision.

I don't know how I feel.

I know a couple days before the procedure (which took place on April 28th), I was second guessing myself.  But having confirmed the appointment as well as paying for it (the cost might have been more painful than the procedure) helped me stay the course.  It wasn't as bad as I was expecting; the worst parts were the buildup to the procedure (thanks anxiety), and then the side effects of being repeatedly injected with lidocaine (sudden and extreme nausea, and breaking out into a cold sweat).  Other than that, though, the procedure was swift, and I was in and out in less than two hours.  The pain after wasn't even as bad as I was expecting, so I ended up not needing to take any pain meds of any kind to help ease the pain.  I'm also pretty sure things are healing quickly, as I'm experiencing the itching that comes with healing wounds, but can't confirm as there is protective tape over the wound/stitches that won't come off until the follow up appointment in a couple weeks.  (But from prior historical wound recovery, my wounds heal quickly/rapidly, so it's not surprising.)

I don't know if the fact it's gone will set in until the tape is removed and I see the absence of the tattoo.  Maybe once I see it, the change will hit me, and then I'll be able to process.  Then again, my uncle died over a year ago, and I haven't processed his death yet, because everything is just kind of numb and I'm shut off from trying to process things, so who knows.

My therapist asked me a while ago in one of our sessions how I would know if I'm over the man I used to be married to.  I don't think I answered her, because I don't have an answer.  I truly do not know if I will ever be over him.
As someone who had commitment issues before (those issues have grown exponentially), giving my (very fragile, very tender) heart over to a man who couldn't cut it when difficult times came along, was a risk the first time.  Supposedly the "formula" for grief is 3 months to every year spent together.  We were together from 2017 to 2022.  Although not even together consistently, given him being away for training often, and then deployment.  Unless you want to count when the marriage officially ended (thanks to the judge and his divorce lawyer, both of whom should burn in the hot fiery place - yeah I said it), then we were "together" from 2017-2023.  That's 18 months of grieving.  At the end of next month, it will have been 18 months.  I am nowhere near being "over" it. 
Not him though.  He quickly and easily moved on, proving all those times of telling me I was the love of his life (which he later confirmed, that no, I wasn't actually the love of his life), telling me he didn't know what he would do if he ever lost me (he willingly walked away...turns out he knew exactly what he would do, which was get over it easily), some other girl comes along and catches his eye...for someone who said he realised he just wanted to be alone, what he really meant was "I don't want to be with you."

How can you heal from that kind of betrayal and trauma?
How can you get over having given your heart to someone, giving all of your self to that person, thinking they saw you and loved you for who you were, only for them to criticise you and tell you they didn't like being around you and for them to think it was okay to separate when there was no good reason to?

My heart is still so raw.
And I honestly don't know if I will be over him, or be able to move on.
For all the things I remember that make me feel sick to my stomach, that provide ample evidence that he truly doesn't know how marriage works, that maybe he's even incapable of actually loving someone, that doesn't change the fact that I still chose him.  Even if I didn't feel loved or wanted by him, even if so early on things were toxic and there were red flags, I still saw him and loved him.

I still do.

I can say my heart is closed for reconstruction, but it may very well be permanently closed.  To have had trust issues before, only to have trust betrayed in one of the worst possible ways, is not easy to heal or move on from.  Especially from a lifetime of having trust issues and being terrified of the risk of love, only to take that risk and be burned in such devastating ways.

And having been with someone who knew I lived with pretty severe depression, only for that person to say "I don't like being around you when you're like this" - "this" meaning sad/depressed, which is kind of my natural state - that just showed me that no one really wants to be with someone like me.  No one wants to spend a life time with someone who is depressed.  No one wants to be around someone who is sad all the time.  At least he was able to escape.  I can't escape my own self, which isn't fair, but I'm not going to subject others to my miserable existence if I can help it.

I'm tired.  My heart aches.  Life still feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.  Maybe someday I'll process this, but today is not that day.