Time For Change

Sometimes I just get really, deeply, intensely sad.  Usually there's no reason for it, and I try not to think about the reason for why the sadness comes.  Most of the time, it's shown by how much tea I drink.  Don't ask me why, but I tend to drink a lot of tea when I get sad.  A good sort of therapy, I suppose.

Tonight is one of those nights.  Sadness has descended, and I am writing this post three cups of tea later.  Forgive me if what I type is messy or incoherent.  Late-night hours and being drunk on tea make for less than clearly executed written up thoughts.

I've mentioned before how love is a thing that terrifies me, and, for numerous reasons, marriage is something I never want to happen to me.  This still stands.  But in a culture that is so obsessed with "love" and being in the age bracket that I am, relationships, engagements, marriages, families are things that seem to be popping up left and right.  So of course it's not really something I can avoid thinking about, because it's right in front of my face day after day.

But, there is a problem.  Not wanting to love out of fear of being hurt, is not a healthy thing.  I know this.  I know that my dislike (fear?) of romantic love also is mixed with general love - as in, loving friends and family.  I love the people in my life.  Fiercely.  But my fears keep me from loving them as much as I could.  Or should.  My heart is greatly capable of loving largely and deeply.  But I don't allow it to reach those deepest depths of love.  And I also suppose it keeps me from receiving love as much as I can as well.

I have never been hurt in the sense of romantic love.  I mean, when I was younger, yes, there were the stupid junior high crushes that I had and cried over when finding out the boy didn't like me.  But those were silly, childish things.  And nothing that I haven't recovered from.

The only instance that I can think of being hurt to such an extent was when she died.  And how painful it still is knowing she's gone forever.  And while this has added to my preemptive strike of building up walls and keeping myself from loving too much, these walls were already in progress before her spirit left this world.

As much as I hate it, and as much as I don't want to let it go, I know I need to.  I need to reach a place of being vulnerable, and allowing myself to accept the probability of pain that goes along with love.  Not just for my own sake, but for the sake of those in my life.  Friends.  Family.  God.

I hate saying this, but I need to let this happen.  Let the Master Sculptor chisel away at the walls that I've built up so high, and form a new creation from the old.  I can only make so much progress in my life, relationships, and walk with Christ before hitting roadblocks that I've set up.  I'm getting in my own way.

I hate being soft.  Or vulnerable.  And I hate being hurt.  I love cold, hard logic over irrational, stupid love.  But how am I supposed to love like Christ if I'm keeping myself from loving or being loved in return?  This isn't to say that I'm now ready for marriage.  That is still a firm no in my mind.  However, that no may change over time.  It probably will, if I let my heart be shaped into its proper form.

I know I'm not the only one afraid of pain and hurt and loving fully.  I have friends who feel the same way.  And I know that one of the best forms of spiritual warfare, or ways to break things down, is to pray for others who have the same struggles or problems that I have.  So.  If you're reading this, and allowing yourself to love fully and be vulnerable is an issue for you, please let me know.  I want to pray for you.  And in turn, I hope you'll pray for me.  And that way, by praying for each other, we'll make progress towards being more like Christ.  More vulnerable.  More open.  More loving.