I feel nothing but pain.
Excruciating, unbearable pain.

Pain from abandonment trauma.  Having someone who promises to be there no matter what, but then they up and willingly walk out of your life.
Pain from the trauma of betrayal.  Hearing for years how they want you, how you matter to them, how they aren't going anywhere, the vows they made, how things will get better...and then they betray every promise they made, every vow they said, by deciding that "incompatibility" was a good enough reason to quit and not keep their word.

How do people survive this.

The pain feels unbearable, and it torments me every waking second.
I want to do great physical harm to myself, as if somehow that will lessen the emotional pain all this has caused.
Because at least physical pain makes sense.  Physical pain has evidence, it shows scars, there's a reason for it.

There is not one goddamn good enough reason for this emotional pain.

Giving your heart and soul and life to someone, and it meaning nothing, because they so easily tossed you aside.
Even worse, the finality of the end of your marriage didn't even hit 6 months, and already they have moved on to someone else.

It was a lie.
It all was a lie.
Every day you spent with them, every shared moment, every memory, every "I love you"...meaningless.

Nothing brings me joy anymore.
Not even the few things that felt seemingly foolproof.
Hiking.  Ordering new books.  Taking pictures/editing them.
I have felt nothing the handful of times I have tried to do these things in the past few months.

Because nothing is worth anything anymore.
My entire marriage meant nothing to the man who told me I was the love of his life, because it turns out, I actually wasn't.  If I had been, he would have fought to make things work.  He would have been willing to stay.  He would have been willing to be a team so we could actually get better.
But even worse, even if I wasn't the love of his life, the vows he made on the day we got married were empty words.  They carried no weight to him.  He didn't mean to keep them, to follow through.  Even if things got hard, even if the realisation of "oh, we don't fit in any way" hit, it was an excuse to call it quits.  If the vows were sincere, the effort would be there.  The determination to find a way or make one.

Instead I am left with nothing.
Nothing except the knowledge that I wasn't worth it. 
That he never really loved me.
And that now I am used trash, tossed aside, that no one else is going to want.

It was hard enough to find someone who was tolerant of how weird I actually am.
But now being my age, and with all the bullshit that has gone on in the world in the past 3 years, even if it was okay to be with someone else, the impossibility of finding someone in my age range who is 1) single, 2) didn't conform to the lies the governments and media sold to people, 3) doesn't have their own past divorce or children to carry with them, means that I have absolutely no hope.

None.

So tell me, what is the point?
Because truthfully, I don't see any.

What I see is that everyone lies.
I knew that before, and trust was always cautiously handed out.
But if even the one who vows not to part until death, parts from you much sooner, and still very much alive, no one else is going to keep their word.
Family can't.
A former husband can't.
No one else will.

I am worth nothing.
I am not worth loving.
I'm not even worth getting better for, even though that was also said a handful of times in the early days.

Nope, instead it's after deciding that I'm not worth it, he starts to get better on his own.
But he couldn't have even tried to do that for me while we were still married.
Our marriage never even got a chance to be a "normal" marriage outside of military life.
And I never got a second chance to be able to love him better, to fix my failures and mistakes, to try to be a safe place for him, to love him and be there for him in the ways he needed.

But that only works if both people are willing...

I feel nothing.
And I feel it all entirely too much.

Please just make this pain stop.
Please.