Call me egocentric, but...I love hearing stories about me and the things I did or the chain of events, decisions, etc. that I caused when I was little.
Just a few months ago I had the pleasure of hearing a story from my dad about me and my love of candy when I was little and a decision that he and my mom contemplated making (but ended up not following through with it). See, when I was little, my sixth sense was being able to tell if there was anything sweet in the house. I had a major sweet tooth. If it existed, I found it. And after finding it, whatever "it" may be, I gobbled it down hours after I had it in my possession. Part of the reason was because I just wanted to eat all of it (it was SOOO good!), but the other reason was because I knew that if I were to get caught with it in my possession and there was still some left, that I would never see it again, and be corrected in some form or another. When this general group of memories of me and my sweet-snatching days were brought up, my dad told me of an interesting (yet relevant) decision he and my mom contemplated. Because I was such a good detective (haha) at finding any and every sweet thing in the house, they discussed possibly getting a safe to lock away all the candy and chocolate that they bought. It would keep me from getting at it (for a time at least...haha ;), and they would also have been able to monitor when and how much who ate of it.
Tonight, I heard yet another interesting story from my years as a child. My dad told me of when he and my mom went to my first parent-teacher conference for my Kindergarten class. He was preparing himself to hear something like "what on earth possessed you to place that child into public school??". When they got there and the teacher began talking to them, she began talking about what a nice, polite, and well-behaved child I was. My dad told me that he actually stood up from where he was sitting, and said "What?" To him, it was a completely unexpected statement/report. At home I was such a terror (I can't even begin to describe to you what a nightmare of a child I was), but at school I was practically an angel.
I loved hearing this story, and thought it to be one of the funniest things ever. It's such a fun thing to hear about the things I did when I was young and my parents reactions to them. It's fascinating in general to hear any stories about anybody from their lives...especially of those who have lived so much longer than I and have such a storehouse of memories and tales from their past.
It's one of those things that if I ever had the opportunity to be able to sit and listen to tales of strangers' pasts, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Saturday 24 September 2011
Saturday 17 September 2011
Goodbye Teenage Years
I have to say, nineteen was a good year. A really good year. It shaped me in numerous ways. It was an adventure into personally experiencing how God provides, His faithfulness to me, who He is as a Father, and so much more. It's by far my favorite year yet (though 17 comes in a close second).
Today was a good day for a birthday. After picking up my sister at the Sac airport coming home from Israel, making a side trip to Fort Bragg, and arriving home at around eleven-ish last night, I worked for my dad into the wee hours of the morning (5 am, to be exact). We got home, I went straight to bed, and woke up at 2 in the afternoon after the much needed sleep. Then after I took a shower, I went back to my dad's shop to help him more. My sister and I then proceeded to visit my grandma - my sister showed her pictures from Israel and Switzerland, and I got a card and present from her (my grandma). Then we headed over to a (I believe) recently-opened locally owned burger joint, with the meal generously bought for us by my older brother. The three of us headed home and began to watch Get Smart. Now I have to make my bed, get to sleep, wake up at six and go help my dad more.
It has been wonderful. Basically like another day in my life. No out-of-the-way efforts, no set-aside hours of all attention focused on me, just another ordinary day...exactly how I like it. Not only that, but I found out that my sister came back when she did for me. She informed me that she could have stayed another week, but scheduled her arrival back in the states when she did for my birthday. AND the present she gave me was a hand-made decent-sized handbag from Jerusalem, and as she gave it to me, she sang the first part of the Relient K song "Must Have Done Something Right." (Lines that I often quote to her). It was wonderful. Also, my older brother who lives out of state took time to stop working for a little bit and call me. I love hearing from him. This day would have been perfect if he was here. Someday in the future, hopefully. :)
I hope this year will be a continuation of the last. More revelations from God, learning to hear His voice more distinctly, continuing to be in His will, learning to see with His eyes, love with His heart, and so much more. I definitely plan on continuing to increase my knowledge in all areas of life that are good and worthwhile, as well as learning the [sometimes harsh] life-lessons that come with living longer. Most importantly, to continue to discover who I am in Christ, to change for the better, and to live completely surrendered to Him.
Father, help me. <3
Today was a good day for a birthday. After picking up my sister at the Sac airport coming home from Israel, making a side trip to Fort Bragg, and arriving home at around eleven-ish last night, I worked for my dad into the wee hours of the morning (5 am, to be exact). We got home, I went straight to bed, and woke up at 2 in the afternoon after the much needed sleep. Then after I took a shower, I went back to my dad's shop to help him more. My sister and I then proceeded to visit my grandma - my sister showed her pictures from Israel and Switzerland, and I got a card and present from her (my grandma). Then we headed over to a (I believe) recently-opened locally owned burger joint, with the meal generously bought for us by my older brother. The three of us headed home and began to watch Get Smart. Now I have to make my bed, get to sleep, wake up at six and go help my dad more.
It has been wonderful. Basically like another day in my life. No out-of-the-way efforts, no set-aside hours of all attention focused on me, just another ordinary day...exactly how I like it. Not only that, but I found out that my sister came back when she did for me. She informed me that she could have stayed another week, but scheduled her arrival back in the states when she did for my birthday. AND the present she gave me was a hand-made decent-sized handbag from Jerusalem, and as she gave it to me, she sang the first part of the Relient K song "Must Have Done Something Right." (Lines that I often quote to her). It was wonderful. Also, my older brother who lives out of state took time to stop working for a little bit and call me. I love hearing from him. This day would have been perfect if he was here. Someday in the future, hopefully. :)
I hope this year will be a continuation of the last. More revelations from God, learning to hear His voice more distinctly, continuing to be in His will, learning to see with His eyes, love with His heart, and so much more. I definitely plan on continuing to increase my knowledge in all areas of life that are good and worthwhile, as well as learning the [sometimes harsh] life-lessons that come with living longer. Most importantly, to continue to discover who I am in Christ, to change for the better, and to live completely surrendered to Him.
Father, help me. <3
Monday 12 September 2011
Practically Impossible Friendships
There have been times in my past where I am aware of a person’s existence. However, they most likely are not aware of mine. Why? Well, for one thing, seeing as how the amount of human population on earth exceeds over 6,850,000,000, it’s very likely that most people in the world are not aware that I exist. And this is a fact that I do not mind the accuracy of at all. But another reason why that person might not be aware that I exist, is because they are well known. And this presents a problem.
I remember in my younger years of life, when I could still afford to throw temper tantrums (but was on the edge of reaching the age that I shouldn’t have those kinds of fits), I had an instance of this situation. I, at the time, was completely and utterly obsessed with Lord of the Rings. And I thought, “Wouldn’t it be crazy amazing to be able to meet the entire cast of that move?” Of course, knowing all the extras and everything else that goes into making a movie, I knew this was impossible, so my hopes were really set on meeting the four hobbit stars of the trilogy. Obviously this never happened.
There are still times when I observe (from a very far distance) the personalities of individuals who are well known in society, and I just know – call it intuition – that that person and I would get along great. So very unfortunately, there are numerous problems with these…desires, dreams, wishes, whatever you’d like to call it…that make it really impossible to ever happen. This is the reality of life.
I suppose there are two ominous factors that out-scream all the other factors. The first, is that I am merely human. You may not see the problem in this, but I do. Most people who, at some point in their life, were like me, with most of the world being ignorant of their existence, are now at the point in their lives to where they are being stocked, obsessed over, dreamt about, you name it, by hundreds of thousands – if not millions – of people. And these people, mere unknown individuals like myself, all have their different reasons for wanting to either meet or build a friendship with these well-known individuals. I think the biggest part of most people wanting to be friends is either bragging rights (“Hey, guess what? I’m friends with so and so!!!”) or even going so low as to use that person (“Hey (insert famous person’s name here)! I have a couple of friends who I have seen in a while, and they want to get in to see you. But they’re broke. And so am I. Do you think you might be able to snag a few VIP passes for them? And for me?”), etc.
Contrary to the intentions of most others, the individuals that I have in mind whilst writing this, I have no other desire to be their friend than for the few simple reasons that I have…
1) I just want to be their friend. Everyone needs a listening ear (or ears) in their life…usually at more than one time. They need someone to lean on, someone to rant to, someone to call in the middle of the night to talk to because they’re lonely, or they need prayer. I want to be that friend. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that “I’m the answer! I’m the person you’re looking for!” kind of girl. And I’m sure they already have numerous people in their lives that they can already go to for advice, prayer, and all that jazz. But I would like to offer my mere friendship to them, just for their sake. We all need people to encourage us in our lives. And from someone who isn’t well know, doesn’t have lots of pressure on themselves, my perspective on some issues might be able to help. Maybe.
2) There’s just something about these individuals that I know, I know, that we would click. Maybe not right away, but after that “clicking” point, we would indeed get along grandly. I’m not going around looking for friends, or trying to build relationships with people who have influence. If anything, because of the introvert that I am, as well as being an extremely private person, I wouldn’t want people to know that I have connections/friendships with well-known people. Then I would get people coming after me. And that could get draining.
3) Another reason for desiring friendship, is because I care for that person. I love them (as a brother or sister). And I know there are things I can learn from them. And I want them to pass on their wisdom to me…I want to be closely influenced by them, their lifestyles, and – most importantly – their love for God and their relationship with Him. These people that I have in mind have been a big inspiration to me in regards to being so well-known and choosing to still be bold about what they know is true. And I want to be around them (or at least communicate with them) enough to where I would be even more influenced and change even more…for the better.
That covers it for the first huge factor. Merely being human. And the second factor is closely related to that. I am not only a human, but I am a female. And there is a problem with this.
A couple of individuals that I can think of (and desire) to have a wonderful friendship with, are of the male specimen. This proposes a rather uncomfortable and annoying obstacle. Because these individuals are male, and I am female, it could be taken by them (and people in the world), that I am not really seeking friendship, but rather trying to get a relationship with non-specified male. And that is completely opposite of my would-be intentions. That’s one thing I hate about the world and genders. A girl becomes friends with a guy, one of them is possibly well-known, and then everyone goes assuming that just because they’re hanging out, they’re dating, or some other such nonsense. And it is completely nonsensical. If I were to even ask a young man to “accept my hand in friendship,” he himself might take it the wrong way. And who could blame him? These people get so much attention and so much talking at them, that it’s not their fault if they think everyone just wants to be their friend because they’re famous. It’s not their fault if people who genuinely want to be there for them, get lost in the voices of the others who also believe that they’re “genuine.”
Of course, it’s true that if these people weren’t well-known, that I wouldn’t have any idea that they existed either. Which honestly, would be a great tragedy, believe it or not. But I’m grateful that they do exist. I’m grateful for their influence in the areas that need it most and for being just an encouragement to me. And even more so, despite the fact that we may never meet nor become friends, I am still aware of their existence and can pray for them daily. And that is an opportunity for which I am glad.
I remember in my younger years of life, when I could still afford to throw temper tantrums (but was on the edge of reaching the age that I shouldn’t have those kinds of fits), I had an instance of this situation. I, at the time, was completely and utterly obsessed with Lord of the Rings. And I thought, “Wouldn’t it be crazy amazing to be able to meet the entire cast of that move?” Of course, knowing all the extras and everything else that goes into making a movie, I knew this was impossible, so my hopes were really set on meeting the four hobbit stars of the trilogy. Obviously this never happened.
There are still times when I observe (from a very far distance) the personalities of individuals who are well known in society, and I just know – call it intuition – that that person and I would get along great. So very unfortunately, there are numerous problems with these…desires, dreams, wishes, whatever you’d like to call it…that make it really impossible to ever happen. This is the reality of life.
I suppose there are two ominous factors that out-scream all the other factors. The first, is that I am merely human. You may not see the problem in this, but I do. Most people who, at some point in their life, were like me, with most of the world being ignorant of their existence, are now at the point in their lives to where they are being stocked, obsessed over, dreamt about, you name it, by hundreds of thousands – if not millions – of people. And these people, mere unknown individuals like myself, all have their different reasons for wanting to either meet or build a friendship with these well-known individuals. I think the biggest part of most people wanting to be friends is either bragging rights (“Hey, guess what? I’m friends with so and so!!!”) or even going so low as to use that person (“Hey (insert famous person’s name here)! I have a couple of friends who I have seen in a while, and they want to get in to see you. But they’re broke. And so am I. Do you think you might be able to snag a few VIP passes for them? And for me?”), etc.
Contrary to the intentions of most others, the individuals that I have in mind whilst writing this, I have no other desire to be their friend than for the few simple reasons that I have…
1) I just want to be their friend. Everyone needs a listening ear (or ears) in their life…usually at more than one time. They need someone to lean on, someone to rant to, someone to call in the middle of the night to talk to because they’re lonely, or they need prayer. I want to be that friend. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that “I’m the answer! I’m the person you’re looking for!” kind of girl. And I’m sure they already have numerous people in their lives that they can already go to for advice, prayer, and all that jazz. But I would like to offer my mere friendship to them, just for their sake. We all need people to encourage us in our lives. And from someone who isn’t well know, doesn’t have lots of pressure on themselves, my perspective on some issues might be able to help. Maybe.
2) There’s just something about these individuals that I know, I know, that we would click. Maybe not right away, but after that “clicking” point, we would indeed get along grandly. I’m not going around looking for friends, or trying to build relationships with people who have influence. If anything, because of the introvert that I am, as well as being an extremely private person, I wouldn’t want people to know that I have connections/friendships with well-known people. Then I would get people coming after me. And that could get draining.
3) Another reason for desiring friendship, is because I care for that person. I love them (as a brother or sister). And I know there are things I can learn from them. And I want them to pass on their wisdom to me…I want to be closely influenced by them, their lifestyles, and – most importantly – their love for God and their relationship with Him. These people that I have in mind have been a big inspiration to me in regards to being so well-known and choosing to still be bold about what they know is true. And I want to be around them (or at least communicate with them) enough to where I would be even more influenced and change even more…for the better.
That covers it for the first huge factor. Merely being human. And the second factor is closely related to that. I am not only a human, but I am a female. And there is a problem with this.
A couple of individuals that I can think of (and desire) to have a wonderful friendship with, are of the male specimen. This proposes a rather uncomfortable and annoying obstacle. Because these individuals are male, and I am female, it could be taken by them (and people in the world), that I am not really seeking friendship, but rather trying to get a relationship with non-specified male. And that is completely opposite of my would-be intentions. That’s one thing I hate about the world and genders. A girl becomes friends with a guy, one of them is possibly well-known, and then everyone goes assuming that just because they’re hanging out, they’re dating, or some other such nonsense. And it is completely nonsensical. If I were to even ask a young man to “accept my hand in friendship,” he himself might take it the wrong way. And who could blame him? These people get so much attention and so much talking at them, that it’s not their fault if they think everyone just wants to be their friend because they’re famous. It’s not their fault if people who genuinely want to be there for them, get lost in the voices of the others who also believe that they’re “genuine.”
Of course, it’s true that if these people weren’t well-known, that I wouldn’t have any idea that they existed either. Which honestly, would be a great tragedy, believe it or not. But I’m grateful that they do exist. I’m grateful for their influence in the areas that need it most and for being just an encouragement to me. And even more so, despite the fact that we may never meet nor become friends, I am still aware of their existence and can pray for them daily. And that is an opportunity for which I am glad.
Wednesday 7 September 2011
"What I've Overcome" by Fireflight
A lot can happen in a year. Even more can happen within three years. And that's around the amount of time that I struggled with both cutting and severe depression. I'm a changed person today, thanks to the grace of God.
There are times, though, that I sometimes wish that people knew me when I struggled. It's better for them that they didn't, of course, because those who did know me and cared for me, were frightened time and again because of my suicidal tendencies. I wouldn't wish what I went through for anyone else to experience, but I know that because of what I went through, I am who I am today. And I wouldn't trade that for anything, no matter how numerous the suicidal times were nor how long the darkness lasted.
I've been listening to Fireflight lately. One of my preferred bands. They have a song called "What I've Overcome." It pretty much describes me perfectly. If you were to see me yesterday, you'd see the broken heart and the battle scars. But...I am now what I've overcome.
I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive
I feel this freedom
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)
If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me
So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(got someone saving me)
If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me
If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
There are times, though, that I sometimes wish that people knew me when I struggled. It's better for them that they didn't, of course, because those who did know me and cared for me, were frightened time and again because of my suicidal tendencies. I wouldn't wish what I went through for anyone else to experience, but I know that because of what I went through, I am who I am today. And I wouldn't trade that for anything, no matter how numerous the suicidal times were nor how long the darkness lasted.
I've been listening to Fireflight lately. One of my preferred bands. They have a song called "What I've Overcome." It pretty much describes me perfectly. If you were to see me yesterday, you'd see the broken heart and the battle scars. But...I am now what I've overcome.
I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive
I feel this freedom
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)
If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me
So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(got someone saving me)
If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me
If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars
Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
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