Late Night Thoughts

I’ve been in this place before. Having these distinct marks on my body, and wanting someone to see them. Not just anyone, mind you. Usually I have a specific person in mind. But I’ve realized, that maybe it’s not necessarily wanting an individual that I’ve found myself attracted to, to see. I suppose it’s more just wanting someone to grab my arm, see these cuts, look me in the eyes, and then draw me into a hug; not speaking a word, but at the same time, saying everything through that one action.

I feel like Connie Kendall. “I guess I just expect too much out of these moments.” Not once can I recall in my life that a specific scenario that I’ve imagined in my mind, has played out exactly as I envisioned it. Life never was, nor will it ever be a movie. Things to not happen in the manner in which I directly them internally. I know that I cannot expect others to understand or care…and I haven’t expected that for years. I’ve learned that it is best to keep silent and not speak of it. I don’t want pity. I never have. Perhaps, though, I have occasionally yearned for genuine sympathy.

I do not do this for attention. I never have. I do admit it is an easy escape. But what does it matter? Nothing else has worked. I suppose that goes to show that I’m not letting Jesus control things or fix what is broken. Yes, this does mean that I’m taking things into my own hands…but at this point, I feel as if I must. What other way is there? Presently, I feel as though this great heaviness upon my heart shall never be lifted. Therefore, a distraction is necessary…vital, even. But to what avail? Shall I give in once more to these demons that capture me with just one kiss of a sharp edge? And that one time shall lead to another, and then another, until freedom will look bleak, as it did before.

Is there no way to escape this pain?