Tiredness

I'm tired.

Of life, of emotions, of people, of everything.  And all this mental (even spiritual, I suppose) tiredness affects me physically.  I can get twelve hours of sleep, and still be tired all day.  I am tired all day, every day, no matter what.

If I could, I would just break all communication.  From everybody.  But that's impossible.  I've managed to keep it down to a minimum.  Only the people that I carpool with to school, or have classes with, are the ones I still talk to.  And that's because I have to.  If it were up to me, I'd completely ignore them as well.  But that would just be downright rude, seeing as how I come into physical contact with them.

I'm tired of people hearing what I say to them, but not listening to what I have to say.  There is a difference. I can say so much, yet nothing at all.  I can stay silent, but speak volumes.  Yet so often it seems that even when I do speak, no one listens.

I'm tired of having to say "That's not it," or "You don't understand" to people who clearly do not understand.  My lack of ability to fall asleep until after 2 a.m. is not because of a poor sleeping schedule.  It's because the night holds many terrors and I have to be dead tired before turning the light off.  It's also because a broken heart holds constant restlessness both in, and out of sleep.

I'm tired of talking.  People keep asking me how I'm doing, or what's wrong.  And I repeat the same damn thing over and over and over again.  But speaking about the same thing every time isn't going to change it.  It certainly will do no good for the person of inquiry.  Besides, since when has talking about a problem ever fixed it??  Writing will put things into perspective, but speaking will only more solidly confirm or make certain that which is already present.  And I don't want that.

I'm tired of having so-called friends who bother to talk to me, but stay in their same selfish mindset like the rest of the world.  I'm not saying they don't care, but good God, when I try to communicate things about myself as a person, and you go right ahead and contradict me or just sweep aside what I've just said because you think what you know is best, then please call yourself an acquaintance and not a friend.  Because friends are people who listen and accept things, not ignore and shape everything into their own perspective.

I'm tired of feeling so apathetic all the time.  Getting up isn't too hard (at least, not as hard as it was years ago), but finding the motivation to care is hard.  I don't care about failing an exam because I haven't studied enough.  I don't care about the incompleteness of my homework for my favourite class.  I don't even care if my sister hasn't called me in a while because she's been too busy with her life.

I'm tired.  I just want to be left alone.  I want to sleep forever and never wake up.