Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms. 

Every individual has their own way of dealing with the things that life throws at them. Grief, loss, pain, heartache – the way these things are handled varies from person to person. Some ways are healthy, other ways…not so much.

I can recall the last few weeks of when she was still alive. Different family members took turns of twelve hour increments in pairs watching over her. There was one family member whom I was most often paired with when watching over her who’s coping mechanism was laughter.

To watch the throes of death consume one so loved in a slow manner is extremely heart breaking. In my mind, it seems like the only options of dealing with such an emotion is either going mad with grief, or completely disconnecting any emotions whatsoever. This family member dealt with their grief and pain by laughing.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that their way of coping was disrespectful, inconsiderate, or anything of that nature. It’s what they felt best to do in their situation. Instead of breaking down and crying, they took the situation and things that were happening, and found a reason to laugh (to be cheerful, you could even say) about it all.

I have my own ways of dealing with everything that has gone on. I can’t say they’re exactly healthy – or good, for that matter – but it’s what keeps me sane. There have been times when I’ve been at home and said something that I found to be amusing and witty; I laugh at what I had said, but then suddenly in the midst of the laughter, my eyes are filled with tears, and I feel if I just let loose, I would collapse on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Usually I’m able to keep my head and stop the laughter before it goes one way or the other.

I know that I can’t break down. This grief is such a burden; this broken heart so heavy. But to dwell on it too much would mean going mad, in quite the literal sense. As far as ways of dealing with it, I see it as this: I could be either a depressed cutter, or a depressed drunk. Thankfully, I’m so vehemently opposed to the consumption of any alcohol whatsoever, that I've resorted to the former option. Clearly neither option is a healthy one, but I would dare argue that the one I rely on is better than the one I've chosen to abstain from (for numerous reasons, obviously).

Anyways, there you have it. People have different ways of coping with things. Mine may not be the best, but it’s what I know. Deadened emotions over madness.