Re-Learning

Funny how much things can change in such little time.  But then, I know that.  I have known that.  The longer I live, the more aware I will be of that fact.

Sadness is now more of a threat than an actual fact.  I know it has potential to seep into my life again, but I'm not letting it.  I know how dangerous it can be for me (mentally, physically, spiritually) if I give in to it too much.

A couple of weeks ago I prayed and fasted for 24 hours.  I actually had the chance to do this, since I wasn't working, and could afford the luxury of not eating.  (Working a lot and sleeping little and no food is not a very wise move, so being able to fast isn't often an option.)  There was something in my life that I needed to pray about, to surrender over to God, and the best way for me to do this was to fast.  And pray.  A lot.  So I did.

It must have been a while since I last prayed and fasted, because even though this fast only lasted for 24 hours (a short fast in my mind), it had its affects.  I broke through some barriers that I was facing.  I started praying again.  Literally and sincerely.  Not just a quick one liner here and there, because 'hey, I don't have any energy and things aren't going well, so that's all I've got God!'  But a good chunk of time being spent in prayer for both myself, and a couple of other people.

Since then, I've been able to pray with a more earnest heart.  Not always wanting to or meaning what I pray, but doing so because I really do desire to grow closer to Jesus.  It's been too long since I've sought Him out with all that is within me.

And I'm reading my Bible at more significant times.  Instead of every night before I go to bed, right when I wake up in the morning I put on worship music (something I've always done anyways), and read a Psalm.  Which may not seem like a lot, but even just getting in a quick verse or two the very first thing in the morning makes all the difference.

I'm re-learning to talk to Jesus throughout my day.  To remind myself to bring Him glory in all that I do.  To not get upset over the small things that won't matter in the end.  To be grateful for what I already have.

And most importantly, to remind myself of God's faithfulness to me, and all that the grace He's given me in my life.  Because I know where I would be without Him.  And where I am with Him, is infinitely better than any other place.

Reminders

Ever since she died last year, I've been in a funk.  Down.  Semi-depressed.  (I say semi, because while it is a form of depression, it is not as serious a form as the depression that I struggled with for 3 years.)

Most mornings I wake up, and that sinking feeling of 'OH.  It's you,' greets me.  "You" referring to the sadness.

It's a hard thing, feeling sad all the time.  Colours don't seem to appear as bright as they used to be.  My mind is in a fog, and things don't seem entirely clear.  (In fact, the fog has been around so long, I've forgotten what it was like to live with complete clarity of mind.)  It takes more energy to express any kind of emotion, and anger always seems to be the most common one to appear.

I go through the days taking everything for granted.  Waking up in the morning.  Having a job.  Having some sort of awareness that I'm alive, instead of living like a zombie.  The fact that I'm healthy.  That I have a future.  I have people who love me and care about me.  So many countless things.

It's so easy to forget all that I have.  To forget how grateful I should be for everything that is in my life.  It seems especially easy to forget how far I've come, and the fact that all that I am today is because of the grace that God has given me in my life.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of it all.  To look back and see what has happened in my life as evidence that my God is real.  Because, I admit, there are times when I struggle with doubt.  When I'm further away from Him then I should be, and worldly logic begins to work in my brain, trying to convince me of the opposite of what I know deep down to be true.

But I know that He is real.  I know that I am alive today because of His hand.  That numerous things have happened in my life with no explanation other than that of the miraculous.

So, let me review several things now, as a reminder that, yes, Christ has saved me and given me unending grace.

 - I'm alive.  If it weren't for the prayers of many beloved friends and family, I would have long ago killed myself.
 - He is my provider.  Money came in way past the last minute for the fees of my DTS, and yet, He had it all worked out.  He even had the majority of it set aside years prior before any of the events took place that led me to that YWAM base.
 - I know what it is like to be free of depression.  I was prayed over, and delivered from something that had tormented me for years on end.  Freedom is attainable, and can be maintained.
 - I'm healthy.  Both mentally and physically.  I am no longer internally tormented by the darkness, and, while my body will always show the evidence of self-harm, it is something that I no longer resort to as a way to deal with the sadness.
 - He is always faithful.  No matter how many times I pull away from Him, or lose sight of the fact that He needs to be first in my life, He is faithful to me.
 - I am in good hands.  My future, no matter what it may contain, is planned by Him.  That means that no matter what happens, He has got everything under control.  And that is enough.
 - Grace.  Freely has it been given to me.  I know where I would be without His grace.  And I hope to someday be able to give it out as freely as it has been given to me.

There are so many things.  So many reminders.  When I stop and think about it, I'm aware of how much I have to be thankful for, how far I've come, how wonderful it is to be alive.  I need to take control of my thoughts, so that each day I will remember all that Jesus has done in my life.  Because He has done more for me than I will ever deserve.

But then...isn't that the point of unconditional love?