Reminders

Ever since she died last year, I've been in a funk.  Down.  Semi-depressed.  (I say semi, because while it is a form of depression, it is not as serious a form as the depression that I struggled with for 3 years.)

Most mornings I wake up, and that sinking feeling of 'OH.  It's you,' greets me.  "You" referring to the sadness.

It's a hard thing, feeling sad all the time.  Colours don't seem to appear as bright as they used to be.  My mind is in a fog, and things don't seem entirely clear.  (In fact, the fog has been around so long, I've forgotten what it was like to live with complete clarity of mind.)  It takes more energy to express any kind of emotion, and anger always seems to be the most common one to appear.

I go through the days taking everything for granted.  Waking up in the morning.  Having a job.  Having some sort of awareness that I'm alive, instead of living like a zombie.  The fact that I'm healthy.  That I have a future.  I have people who love me and care about me.  So many countless things.

It's so easy to forget all that I have.  To forget how grateful I should be for everything that is in my life.  It seems especially easy to forget how far I've come, and the fact that all that I am today is because of the grace that God has given me in my life.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of it all.  To look back and see what has happened in my life as evidence that my God is real.  Because, I admit, there are times when I struggle with doubt.  When I'm further away from Him then I should be, and worldly logic begins to work in my brain, trying to convince me of the opposite of what I know deep down to be true.

But I know that He is real.  I know that I am alive today because of His hand.  That numerous things have happened in my life with no explanation other than that of the miraculous.

So, let me review several things now, as a reminder that, yes, Christ has saved me and given me unending grace.

 - I'm alive.  If it weren't for the prayers of many beloved friends and family, I would have long ago killed myself.
 - He is my provider.  Money came in way past the last minute for the fees of my DTS, and yet, He had it all worked out.  He even had the majority of it set aside years prior before any of the events took place that led me to that YWAM base.
 - I know what it is like to be free of depression.  I was prayed over, and delivered from something that had tormented me for years on end.  Freedom is attainable, and can be maintained.
 - I'm healthy.  Both mentally and physically.  I am no longer internally tormented by the darkness, and, while my body will always show the evidence of self-harm, it is something that I no longer resort to as a way to deal with the sadness.
 - He is always faithful.  No matter how many times I pull away from Him, or lose sight of the fact that He needs to be first in my life, He is faithful to me.
 - I am in good hands.  My future, no matter what it may contain, is planned by Him.  That means that no matter what happens, He has got everything under control.  And that is enough.
 - Grace.  Freely has it been given to me.  I know where I would be without His grace.  And I hope to someday be able to give it out as freely as it has been given to me.

There are so many things.  So many reminders.  When I stop and think about it, I'm aware of how much I have to be thankful for, how far I've come, how wonderful it is to be alive.  I need to take control of my thoughts, so that each day I will remember all that Jesus has done in my life.  Because He has done more for me than I will ever deserve.

But then...isn't that the point of unconditional love?