Closure

That's what I need.  Closure.

It's interesting; the affect that the rain has on me.  With the weather cooling slightly (ha!), and the days of autumn are here at last, we've had the typical autumn weather.  Rain, clouds, sunshine, rain and sunshine, clouds but no rain...you get the picture.

I love the rain, the way the clouds look so bold and playful simultaneously.  I love the cool night air, the way it smells, dancing into my memory and tugging at things that I am trying so hard to forget.  But at the same time, I hate it all.  Because it makes me nostalgic.  It makes my mind swirl and spin even more than it already is.  It brings back so many memories that are both beautiful and bittersweet.

This means, of course, that I am thinking about her.  And everything that she was in my life.  How much she was involved in it, and all the little tiny details that make up so much of what I miss now.

You know, Christmas is my favourite holiday, and while I can't wait for it to get here, I also just want to skip over it altogether and not have to deal with the absence of her presence.  No more plum cake in the fall, no more homemade applesauce from her kitchen, no more getting up early in the morning to go over to her house to help prepare the food for the family dinner.  No more hearing her voice, saying things that still gave away her German roots.  No more anything.

I was away when she died.
I wasn't here for the viewing of the open casket. (Not that I would have gone anyways.)
I missed her burial.
I haven't even visited her grave, and it's been over a year.

I didn't see her empty shell after her spirit left this world to be with our Creator.  I didn't get that sense of finalisation to know, just know, that she is gone.  And it drives me crazy that I never will.

Living without closure is a hard thing.  Living with the absence of people you love is painful.  Not being able to tell people just how much you love them with words from your lips is terrible.

Make no mistake.  If you love people, love them freely.  Show them.  Don't just say the words.  Actions speak louder then words, and we all know that.  Speak to them, spend time with them, give them gifts, hold them, listen to them...do it all with full abandon.  I know to say that life is short is a huge cliche, but it really is.  David states in Psalms that "life is but a vapor."  And it is.  Why be afraid or ashamed to show how much you love someone?  Why?  So often we wish we knew where we stood with people, that we could be confident in their affections for us (friendship or romantically-wise), and while we hope and think the best, deep down we still feel unsure.  But if these people showed us all the time how much they loved us with the things they said and did, we would have no doubt in our minds.  So why don't we do this for the people in our lives that we love?  Show them our love for them so much that there would be no place for doubt in their minds, and they would know that we love them sincerely.

That's what I try to do.  Sometimes the things I say sound like flattery, but I really am just trying to show that person that they are better and more incredible then they think.  And what I say, I mean.  I won't let myself feel ashamed of being passionate about the people in my life.  I love them.

And that, is that.

Waiting

     In a culture that is so used to instant gratification, waiting is a hard thing for most people.  Waiting in line, waiting to load an internet page, waiting for our dreams to all suddenly come true...none of it is done patiently.  If we're needing an answer for something, we want it now and not later.  We don't seem to understand that sometimes - most times, even - waiting is a good thing.  After all, waiting means exercising patience, and we all know that most people could use more of that (myself included).

     I recently was hired for a second part-time job.  This was a great thing for me! ...At first.  After working at the place for a week or two, I discovered that a few of my coworkers are not as straight as an arrow...if you catch my meaning.  Finding this out has made me question as to whether or not I should really stay at this job and continue working with these people.

     Now please, please do not misunderstand me.  My questioning of if I should stay or not is not based on the individuals themselves (they are nice people, for the record), but whether or not I want to subject myself to the more underlying spiritual issue that is associated with their way of life.  Because it is a spiritual influence on them.

     I woke up one morning and suddenly questioned as to if I should stay with this job or not.  I was confused and conflicted about my reasons to stay or go.  So I called up some family members and told them what was going on, asking them to pray for me.  Along with this, they offered up their voices of wisdom, helping me to continue to see things from a logical standpoint in regards to a decision, should it be left up to me to make.

     Suffice to say, that was about a week ago, and I still don't know what I should do.  Of course I'm not going to be rash and quit because that thought is still on my mind.  My first and foremost desire is to make the decision that is right.  The decision that God wants me to make.  Either to stay and be a light to all of my coworkers, knowing that Jesus will be my strength and keep my mind and spirit protected; or to leave because I need to protect my spiritual health.

     The point I'm trying to make, is that I'm waiting.  Waiting to hear an answer to my question, and for confirmation if I'm not entirely sure of what the answer is.  I am staying where I am and waiting for direction.  I have found myself at times, thinking things out logically, and coming to conclusions of my own as to what I should do.

     But then I have to remind myself: wait.  A decision doesn't have to be made right now.  Perhaps the lesson in all of this is to be content with waiting and not knowing.  Sometimes I'm good at doing this when it comes to things in my future that I don't know about (like where I'll be in five years), but for things that affect me in the more immediate present, I still have to learn to be completely content.

     And even so, perhaps the answer is in my waiting.  Stay.  Right now, I need to be at this job, and I need to be around the people who are a part of it.  So until I hear differently, or get a clear answer, my place is to remain right where I am.