Priorities

Thursday night was a rough night for me.

I had an almost-closing shift at work, and then was scheduled to open the next morning.  This meant that by the time I got home, I had about one hour to do things like eat dinner and wash my hair before heading to bed if I wanted to get a decent amount of sleep.  That didn't happen.

While I could have used my time more wisely doing things I actually needed to do, I instead spent some time re-energizing.  I also decided to talk to my dad about something I wanted him to pray about for me, and that took longer than intended as well.  By the time I was heading to bed, it was well after 2200.

But as I was climbing in bed with the intent to go to sleep, I found that sleep was the last thing on my mind.  Instead, I was feeling anxious, internally restless, and a lack of peace.  This was probably thanks to the topic of conversation I had with my dad, and talking about it brought all these things.

To clarify, I was asking him if he could be praying for me for help with getting my stupid emotions under control.  The past couple of months there's been this boy (man...whatever) with the most adorable smile coming in to my work.  And by cause of my stupidity and carelessness, I have found myself building up my feelings more than intended, both by thinking about this boy and talking about him to other coworkers too much.  And if I had paid more attention to where things were going, I could have easily squelched any feelings that came up, but now that it's gone on for a decent amount of time, I find that I'm having trouble letting them go.

So while I have prayed and given these things up to God, I still find myself thinking about that smile, and thinking about it means I'm taking these feeling back into my own hands.  That isn't something I want.  So here I am praying and giving all this over to Jesus every time it comes to mind.

And that's what was causing the chaos inside of me Thursday night.

But it's funny.  Because as I was climbing into bed, thinking about these feelings and how I want them to go away, a more prominent desire resurfaced in my mind: I want to fall in love with Jesus.  It completely overtook my being.

So there I am, sitting in bed, knowing that I won't be able to fall asleep because of the lack of peace I'm feeling, but also because I have this burning desire within me to just spend time with Jesus right this instant.  And after making a quick journal entry, that's what I do.

I open my Bible and begin to read.  Chapters that I know and am familiar with, that will encourage me in my faith and my walk with God, chapters that will remind me of the peace which surpasses all understanding, chapters that tell me how to be perfected in love so that fear will be cast out.  And I read and read and read.

And I continued reading until that anxiety, and lack of peace, went away, and my spirit was calm and reminded of the truth and goodness of God.

It was an encouraging thing for me.  My emotions were all over the place, inside my head was a canvas of chaos, but my spirit reminded me of the thing I long for most.  That while I was having trouble and difficulty giving up feelings I let build up that I shouldn't have let build up, I am at a place in my walk with Christ where my deepest desires remain the same.  Where one thing matters more to me than any thing else - to seek Jesus first and foremost, and pursue Him above any one or any thing.

I read my Bible, giving up sleep because I knew that spending time in the word was best.  Spending time with Jesus is best.  So while I didn't fall asleep until after 2300, and woke up at 0400 the next morning, getting those 4 hours of sleep was little sacrifice.  Knowing, remembering, that spending time in the presence of God not only brings fullness of joy, but also peace.


"Funny, though.  I find that even though this stupid thing is going on, my mind thinks all the more 'Jesus.  I want to fall in love with Jesus.'  I take heart in this.  Now it is up to me to spend more time with Him, being in His presence, hearing His voice.  It is He, more than any other, that I desire."
(20 November 2014, Thursday, 2215, #284)

Confidence

When I was a teenager, my self-esteem was non-existent.

You know how people pretend to have low self-esteem, or are falsely humble, and say things like "Oh, I don't think I'm that pretty.  Just average looking, really," and other such things?  They're only saying things like that to be complimented, or to be affirmed in regards to how good looking they think they are.  I said things like that, but the difference between me and those people, is that I wasn't pretending.

I thought that I was worthless.  I thought that if people knew the real me, they would be scared off and run away.  I had to act like I was happy, instead of showing my sorry, sad, depressed self, because I was being a "downer."  No matter if people complimented my looks or not (and it didn't happen that often), I definitely did not think I was pretty.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't think I was hideously ugly or anything, just average-looking; but that was pretty much the same thing in my mind.

My, how things have changed.

My confidence did not come overnight.  It did not come quickly.  It still can be shaken every once in a while, but I surmise that is because that area of confidence was found in the wrong place, and was a part of pride.

In fact, I think it's safe to say that my confidence did not fully spring up until after I was 22.  It started getting better when I was 19, when things changed in major ways in my life.  But it still had ups and downs between the ages of 19 and 22.  It was still determined by sources that were loosely grounded, that crumbled easily.  And so it got shaken a lot.

Now, I cannot tell you how people see me.  I don't know if they see someone bursting with confidence when they look at me.  I can only tell you of things from my perspective, and how I see me.

My confidence is found in a foundation that is strong, safe, and unshakable.  It is found from the one constant thing in my life, the One thing that remains the same yesterday, today, and forever.  My confidence stems from who I am in Christ.

Who am I in Christ? you may ask.  I'll tell you.  In Christ, I am:
- Alive
- Free from the law of sin and death
- Holy and without blame before Him in love
- I have received the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus
- I lack nothing because God supplies all my needs according to  His riches and glory in Christ Jesus
- I can do all things through Christ
- I am more than a conqueror
- I am the light of the world
- I am healed by the stripes of Jesus
- I don't have the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind
- Etc. etc. etc.

Now I no longer worry about things like what people think of me, whether they like me or not, or if I'm seen as beautiful.  I have found that I can be completely and totally myself - my completely strange self - because I am confident of who I am.  If people don't like me, that's fine.  I will still love them as Jesus commands me to do in John 15.12.  If people think bad of me, that's okay.  I'm not here to make others happy - the only thing I'm worried about is whether or not I'm properly reflecting Christ to those around me.

As for being seen as beautiful, that's something that I never really think about anymore.  Sure, my imperfect complexion still - on occasion - makes me feel less presentable.  But I have to remind myself that it's not about how I look.  If people judge me based off my looks, they aren't the kinds of people I want to be around or concern myself with anyways.  As long as I'm presentable and my looks fit for where I'm going (work, hanging out with a friend, etc.), that's all I care about.  I don't look in the mirror and pick apart my face, like how big my nose looks, or my imperfect skin.

I no longer judge myself based off of my beauty or lack thereof.

And let me tell you, it is the most freeing thing.  Being unconcerned with my looks and even my body figure gives my mind so much more freedom.  I am able to think about things that matter, things that hold more value.  I joke a lot about my looks ("Gosh, it's so hot in here" "Oh sorry, I'll leave"), but I'm not egotistical or vain.  To me, looks no longer matter.  I still don't think I'm gorgeous or beautiful, and would place myself on the "slightly pretty" side of the scale.  But that's not the point.

The point is, is that looks don't matter to me.  I don't concern myself with where I stand in that regard.  I don't care if people see me as pretty or not.  It's as if my mind doesn't register or focus on that subject anymore.  And it's changed how I look at people around me, too.  I still acknowledge if someone has good looks, but it's not my primary focus, you know?  Words are what I listen to; actions that speak for the person.  These things are much better ways to judge the character and integrity of a person, rather than how good they look or not.


I have found confidence, and the source from where it comes.  It means I can be me, completely, and it gives me freedom.  There is no one better to find your confidence from, than the Creator of the universe.  The one who sees you as perfect, complete, whole.  The one who knows your future, the greatness you're capable of, the person you are meant to be.

There is no surer thing than the confidence you find, when you know who you are in Christ.