Priorities

Thursday night was a rough night for me.

I had an almost-closing shift at work, and then was scheduled to open the next morning.  This meant that by the time I got home, I had about one hour to do things like eat dinner and wash my hair before heading to bed if I wanted to get a decent amount of sleep.  That didn't happen.

While I could have used my time more wisely doing things I actually needed to do, I instead spent some time re-energizing.  I also decided to talk to my dad about something I wanted him to pray about for me, and that took longer than intended as well.  By the time I was heading to bed, it was well after 2200.

But as I was climbing in bed with the intent to go to sleep, I found that sleep was the last thing on my mind.  Instead, I was feeling anxious, internally restless, and a lack of peace.  This was probably thanks to the topic of conversation I had with my dad, and talking about it brought all these things.

To clarify, I was asking him if he could be praying for me for help with getting my stupid emotions under control.  The past couple of months there's been this boy (man...whatever) with the most adorable smile coming in to my work.  And by cause of my stupidity and carelessness, I have found myself building up my feelings more than intended, both by thinking about this boy and talking about him to other coworkers too much.  And if I had paid more attention to where things were going, I could have easily squelched any feelings that came up, but now that it's gone on for a decent amount of time, I find that I'm having trouble letting them go.

So while I have prayed and given these things up to God, I still find myself thinking about that smile, and thinking about it means I'm taking these feeling back into my own hands.  That isn't something I want.  So here I am praying and giving all this over to Jesus every time it comes to mind.

And that's what was causing the chaos inside of me Thursday night.

But it's funny.  Because as I was climbing into bed, thinking about these feelings and how I want them to go away, a more prominent desire resurfaced in my mind: I want to fall in love with Jesus.  It completely overtook my being.

So there I am, sitting in bed, knowing that I won't be able to fall asleep because of the lack of peace I'm feeling, but also because I have this burning desire within me to just spend time with Jesus right this instant.  And after making a quick journal entry, that's what I do.

I open my Bible and begin to read.  Chapters that I know and am familiar with, that will encourage me in my faith and my walk with God, chapters that will remind me of the peace which surpasses all understanding, chapters that tell me how to be perfected in love so that fear will be cast out.  And I read and read and read.

And I continued reading until that anxiety, and lack of peace, went away, and my spirit was calm and reminded of the truth and goodness of God.

It was an encouraging thing for me.  My emotions were all over the place, inside my head was a canvas of chaos, but my spirit reminded me of the thing I long for most.  That while I was having trouble and difficulty giving up feelings I let build up that I shouldn't have let build up, I am at a place in my walk with Christ where my deepest desires remain the same.  Where one thing matters more to me than any thing else - to seek Jesus first and foremost, and pursue Him above any one or any thing.

I read my Bible, giving up sleep because I knew that spending time in the word was best.  Spending time with Jesus is best.  So while I didn't fall asleep until after 2300, and woke up at 0400 the next morning, getting those 4 hours of sleep was little sacrifice.  Knowing, remembering, that spending time in the presence of God not only brings fullness of joy, but also peace.


"Funny, though.  I find that even though this stupid thing is going on, my mind thinks all the more 'Jesus.  I want to fall in love with Jesus.'  I take heart in this.  Now it is up to me to spend more time with Him, being in His presence, hearing His voice.  It is He, more than any other, that I desire."
(20 November 2014, Thursday, 2215, #284)