Confidence

When I was a teenager, my self-esteem was non-existent.

You know how people pretend to have low self-esteem, or are falsely humble, and say things like "Oh, I don't think I'm that pretty.  Just average looking, really," and other such things?  They're only saying things like that to be complimented, or to be affirmed in regards to how good looking they think they are.  I said things like that, but the difference between me and those people, is that I wasn't pretending.

I thought that I was worthless.  I thought that if people knew the real me, they would be scared off and run away.  I had to act like I was happy, instead of showing my sorry, sad, depressed self, because I was being a "downer."  No matter if people complimented my looks or not (and it didn't happen that often), I definitely did not think I was pretty.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't think I was hideously ugly or anything, just average-looking; but that was pretty much the same thing in my mind.

My, how things have changed.

My confidence did not come overnight.  It did not come quickly.  It still can be shaken every once in a while, but I surmise that is because that area of confidence was found in the wrong place, and was a part of pride.

In fact, I think it's safe to say that my confidence did not fully spring up until after I was 22.  It started getting better when I was 19, when things changed in major ways in my life.  But it still had ups and downs between the ages of 19 and 22.  It was still determined by sources that were loosely grounded, that crumbled easily.  And so it got shaken a lot.

Now, I cannot tell you how people see me.  I don't know if they see someone bursting with confidence when they look at me.  I can only tell you of things from my perspective, and how I see me.

My confidence is found in a foundation that is strong, safe, and unshakable.  It is found from the one constant thing in my life, the One thing that remains the same yesterday, today, and forever.  My confidence stems from who I am in Christ.

Who am I in Christ? you may ask.  I'll tell you.  In Christ, I am:
- Alive
- Free from the law of sin and death
- Holy and without blame before Him in love
- I have received the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus
- I lack nothing because God supplies all my needs according to  His riches and glory in Christ Jesus
- I can do all things through Christ
- I am more than a conqueror
- I am the light of the world
- I am healed by the stripes of Jesus
- I don't have the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind
- Etc. etc. etc.

Now I no longer worry about things like what people think of me, whether they like me or not, or if I'm seen as beautiful.  I have found that I can be completely and totally myself - my completely strange self - because I am confident of who I am.  If people don't like me, that's fine.  I will still love them as Jesus commands me to do in John 15.12.  If people think bad of me, that's okay.  I'm not here to make others happy - the only thing I'm worried about is whether or not I'm properly reflecting Christ to those around me.

As for being seen as beautiful, that's something that I never really think about anymore.  Sure, my imperfect complexion still - on occasion - makes me feel less presentable.  But I have to remind myself that it's not about how I look.  If people judge me based off my looks, they aren't the kinds of people I want to be around or concern myself with anyways.  As long as I'm presentable and my looks fit for where I'm going (work, hanging out with a friend, etc.), that's all I care about.  I don't look in the mirror and pick apart my face, like how big my nose looks, or my imperfect skin.

I no longer judge myself based off of my beauty or lack thereof.

And let me tell you, it is the most freeing thing.  Being unconcerned with my looks and even my body figure gives my mind so much more freedom.  I am able to think about things that matter, things that hold more value.  I joke a lot about my looks ("Gosh, it's so hot in here" "Oh sorry, I'll leave"), but I'm not egotistical or vain.  To me, looks no longer matter.  I still don't think I'm gorgeous or beautiful, and would place myself on the "slightly pretty" side of the scale.  But that's not the point.

The point is, is that looks don't matter to me.  I don't concern myself with where I stand in that regard.  I don't care if people see me as pretty or not.  It's as if my mind doesn't register or focus on that subject anymore.  And it's changed how I look at people around me, too.  I still acknowledge if someone has good looks, but it's not my primary focus, you know?  Words are what I listen to; actions that speak for the person.  These things are much better ways to judge the character and integrity of a person, rather than how good they look or not.


I have found confidence, and the source from where it comes.  It means I can be me, completely, and it gives me freedom.  There is no one better to find your confidence from, than the Creator of the universe.  The one who sees you as perfect, complete, whole.  The one who knows your future, the greatness you're capable of, the person you are meant to be.

There is no surer thing than the confidence you find, when you know who you are in Christ.