Sometimes life happens, with many situations and events occurring rapidly one right after another, and you're left feeling overwhelmed, the chaos inside your head increasing exponentially, and a concealed insanity seems to settle in.

The past few months have brought a lot of changes in my life - mentally, spiritually, emotionally too, I suppose.  Not bad changes, but good ones.  I have matured and grown in ways that I needed to (though still have much progress to make) and feel as though I've changed into an entirely different person.  Though I can't say if the people around me who know me can voice agreement with that or not.

People have come into my life who have [unknowingly] spurred me into these changes: an active, constant pursuit of Christ and His will for my life, to learn to trust Him completely and surrender every bit and piece of my life to Him; to take charge of the situations I find myself in and get things done, in spite of others around me who don't seem to take initiative or care as much as I do about the situations we're in; to be more physically active and more spontaneous and more adventurous (what, me, adventurous?!?! I know, I know) and explore the outdoors more than I have before.

These changes are good.  Whether or not the people who have inspired them will continue to be in my life remains to be seen...but that's okay.  People come and go, and as I learned years ago, not everyone can stay present forever.  It's hard to accept sometimes, but it happens, and I have learned to be thankful for the time that I was able to spend with people who are no longer present in my life.  They have helped be a part of who I have become as a person, and I have learned lessons from my interactions and encounters with them.

But now I find myself here.  A rapid succession of events in the time span of three or so days, and my mind feels like it's going to explode (more so than usual) due to the lack of time to process and sort and figure out all of what has happened.  I feel lost.  I am fighting to breathe.  Struggling to not give in to harm myself in some way in order to deal with all the things I am feeling and thinking.

(Struggling so, so, so much.)

God has been faithful to me in the entirety of my life.  Especially so these past few months with things I have been learning and growing in and seeking out.  The more things take place, the more I found myself running to Christ, reminding myself that above all else, I need to seek Him, keep Him as my focus, desire Him above any one or any thing else.

Then things happen, changes that I'm not in control of occur, and I find myself shaken.  Hope is lost, confusion rushes in, a tangle of thoughts and feelings knot up and lodge themselves inside my head.  And instead of running to Jesus, I find myself trying to tackle these things on my own.

Am I so feeble to so easily forget the faithfulness of my Creator?  Is my confidence not placed in who I am in Christ that it can be shaken loose so easily?  Was I really trusting and seeking God as I thought I was, or was that only what I thought I was doing?

Do I not believe that there is hope for all?  That Jesus can answer prayers and draw the lost to Him through His goodness and grace and love?  That God is a God of His word, and He can heal anybody of anything at any time, because it is His desire to see us healed?  Did I place my trust too much in people and not on the Source of all healing?  Is what I'm feeling something solid and good, or is it brought about by dwelling on it all too much and letting myself become mentally and emotionally attached?

I know I have a choice.  One always has a choice.  It may not always be black and white and clear, but there is always a choice to be made.  Do I give up, and show those around me that I don't believe what I claim to believe?
Or do I - in the midst of all this chaos and uncertainty and hopelessness - run to Christ and take refuge in Him?  To fall on my knees in prayer and seek Him until I get an answer or direction?  To push forward and pray and pray and pray despite seeing changes or having opportunities or knowing the outcome of things?  To ignore my motivations and thoughts and pursue the right course of how to go about things?

There is too much going on.  I am so overwhelmed, so lost.  Completely without direction.

I know, though.  I know despite what I may be feeling, that God is faithful.  That He is my redeemer, He is my provider, He is my saviour, He is my healer.  That I cannot follow what I feel, or even what I think, but I can follow His word, His promises, His direction.  He is my refuge, He is my strength, He is my hope when it feels as though I have none.


"Be my strong refuge, to which I may resort continually; You have given the commandment to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress."
- Psalm 71.3