So is this how it's supposed to be?

A continuous stream of up and down and up and down; thinking I'm fine and doing better, that I'm finally over you, only to find myself thinking about you too much and wishing things were different.  That you had followed the right path, that we had met at a different time, that perhaps we wouldn't have met at all.  At least then I wouldn't be feeling like this.

We clicked so easily.  More so than I had ever done with any guy before, and on so many levels.  You were intelligent, you quoted poetry to me, you suggested an outing (which I very stupidly turned down because I don't get hints)....  We bantered back and forth, I made you laugh, made you look forward to the days when we saw each other (I looked forward to them as well)...

I knew we would never work out.  But I allowed myself to hope.  I allowed myself to pray and see if this was a thing that could happen.  I kept meeting with you, learning more about you and your past, falling in love with you.

At least, I think it was love.
At the very least, I cared for you very, very deeply.

You made me want things I never wanted before, never even cared about up until I met you.  Things like actually being in a relationship.  The potential for marriage.  Heck, even the potential of starting a family with you.  (And for anyone who knows me, that's big.)

And then one day, months after meeting you, you said the word "girlfriend" in a passing sentence, and I went into emotional shock.  I stopped hearing what you continued to say.  I felt like a part of me had shattered.

And that's when I knew I shouldn't have ever let myself entertain the idea of being with you.

Once upon a time a friend in high school told me that we can't control who we fall in love with.  I disagreed with her then, and I still do.  I am an expert at controlling emotions and suffocating them until they cease to exist.  They waste my time and energy, and I usually have no need for these superfluous things.

I could have controlled what I felt for you.
I could have forced myself to not care, to not think about you, to not explore the potential.
But I didn't.
And I still don't know if I hate myself for growing to care for you or not.

So now I'm back to where I was before I met you, but at the same time, I'm not.  Because, you see, before I was all about never wanting to be with someone, not giving the time of day to thinking about how someone out there could make me feel the things you made me feel.  But oops, you came along, and my perspective changed.  I am now aware that, perhaps, someone out there will be as intelligent and clever and charming as you, and will make me feel those things again.

So while I have reverted to having no desire to be with someone, to be married, and to definitely never ever have children, I know that could change.  I know my heart could be won by someone.  I know that I could once again find myself taking long walks, listening to music that makes the world seem vivacious, and thinking about how much I love you him.

Someday, perhaps.
Or perhaps not.

For now, I will try to let you go.
Because you were never mine.
And I know you never will be.

But...thank you.
For making me aware that there is potential for change in the future.  That intelligent, spellbinding men exist in the world.  For, I suppose, helping me learn (to a certain degree) what it looks like to care deeply for someone.  What it feels like to want a future with someone.

You have my deepest sincerity in wishing you every bit of happiness.
Truly.