Clouds and clouds and more clouds.
That's the price I pay for living in a place I love.  The mountains and the redwoods and the ocean are worth it, but sometimes the lack of sunshine for weeks on end gets to me.  And I forget even more what it means to be happy.

I can't sit and do nothing, because it makes me feel unproductive and lazy and like I did nothing on my days off from work.  But then if I do too much, I feel as though my weekend was not nearly long enough and regret having to go back to work.  And either way I feel just as exhausted, just as tired, just as weary.

How did I get to this place?

You know when something that's wrong or not-normal has been going on for so long, that it feels like the new normal, and you forget what the real normal feels like?  That's what this is.  I can't remember the last time I felt energised or completely rested and actually not. tired.  Or even when I cared about things...when I cared about life.  (Okay, that last one isn't so far away that I can't remember it.  I do.  And it hurts, so I try not to think about it.)

I applaud the people who go through their lives with health problems and push forward.  Who don't give up.  Who stay positive.  Because I am not one of them.  I feel as though I've been smashed to thousands of pieces and I cannot keep it together.  I laugh louder, make jokes left and right, and smile a lot.

(It's funny how we sometimes act completely opposite of how we feel.)

I don't feel funny, I don't feel like laughing, I don't feel like living.  I want to give up, and more often than not these days, I have to talk myself out of thinking too much about ways to die.  What a laugh.

How do people not give up?  How do they decide what to do when there is no direction?  I can't keep going back to the same doctor(s), because they have been no help in the past.  But I don't know what else to do.  Keep going back until I make them see that this is a legitimate issue and we need to figure it out?  I thought people got into the medical field because they wanted to help people.  And I understand that the human body is super complex and one person can't possibly know every little thing about it, but good God, you think they would have an idea of what to do for concerning issues.

I just want to die.

Isolation.  Giving up on people, on friendships, on everything.  On faith.

How do you tell the people in your life that while you know God is real, you've given up on trying anymore?  How would they react?  They certainly couldn't help, that's for certain.  And heaven forbid you tell your family members, because you know what some of their mindsets are, and they certainly wouldn't understand.

Please believe me when I say I don't want to give up, but trying to fight, to believe seems too great of a task.  This isn't a book, this isn't a game or a movie, and the answer isn't going to magically appear after a long time of struggling with no hope.

No hope.

I have to stay busy, stay distracted, in order to keep from thinking too much.  From being too sad, too disheartened, and wanting to end all of this.  Because that is on the forefront of my mind on a daily basis.

Perhaps I should look into getting pills to help with the sadness.  But I don't want to.  For reasons, of course, that I can't explain, because I myself do not know.

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

What is even the point of this post?

Well, when you figure it out, let me know.

Because I'm just as much in the dark as you are.