Happy?? New Year

And so, just like that, the first day of the New Year has come to a close.

It was uneventful, and for that, I am glad.

This post isn't to reflect or reminisce about 2015; truth be told, I'm glad that year is behind me.  I didn't have any high expectations for it, but by the end, I felt weathered and broken and ready to say "to hell with you" to it.  How could something start out so seemingly wonderful, everything looking bright, having steps planned and expecting things to be solved, only to come crashing down so spectacularly?

I really couldn't tell you.

This post also isn't about what my plans are for 2016, or what hopes I have, what dreams I'd like to see fulfilled; truth be told, I have absolutely no expectations for this year.  In my little land of logic, I think not having any expectations means I won't be let down when things don't happen the way I thought they would.

A sad way to live, you think?
Perhaps.
But I'd rather face this year feeling blank in every sense of the word, rather than be crushed to a fine powder when everything falls through.

If you're wondering "What happened to her?" I'd like to join you in pondering that question.  Because I myself do not know.  I feel like 2015 took me as a rough-edged, jagged rock and threw me in the tumbler - but instead of coming out smooth, I exited broken into millions of tiny pieces.  Or maybe I'm still in the smoothing process.  Who knows.

Last year felt so...busy.  Hectic.  Crazy.  Good - at first - and then it plummeted downhill and kept going after the first five months had passed.

It was busy.  I was trying to get health things sorted (only more problems have sprung up, and what problems that I started out with still aren't fixed), I had a five-year plan (I don't even know if that will end up like I was hoping it would), and perhaps...just perhaps...I had fallen in love for the first time in my life.  Or, at least, what I thought was love.

(Who can know what a thing looks or feels like if one has never seen or felt it before?)

Hopes, baited-breath, slight promises?  Now there are none of those things.  I am empty, I am weary, I am tired, and I am losing strength in the fight for the desire or will to live.

What a great way to start out the year, huh?

I don't know what my future holds.  I think I've stopped caring what it holds.  Caring about anything, really.

I want to be honest.  Because my life isn't all adventure and romantic and dreamy; and I try not to portray is as such.  It's raw, it's nights of endless tossing and turning due to sadness or restlessness or some horrible combination of both.  It's frustration and anger and lack of control and wanting to push everyone away but knowing doing so wouldn't be fair to my friends (though I still do it sometimes because it's better they aren't around me when my loss of hope could be so venomous).

The past couple of months have been a struggle.  A struggle to trust, to hope, to keep faith.  Not doubting that God is real, certainly, but doubting as to whether or not I want to put effort into this relationship I have with Him.  (Which, currently, isn't a whole awful lot.)  Do I dare give up something I've claimed to believe my whole life?  Do I give up trusting that He knows what He's doing?  That He will bring about my healing, one way or the other, at some point?

I am tired of trying.  I am tired of having no answers, no direction, no glimmer of the next step that may come.  I want to give up, I want to stop hoping...essentially, I want to die.

I can say this, and people will give me different reactions.  Some say I don't mean what I say, others say they're sorry and it'll get better, others still don't really react, probably because they don't really know how to respond.  Which is okay.

It is okay that we don't have a response for everything.
Why should we be sorry about that?

I don't know where this post is going.  What purpose it serves.  Maybe I just need to get my thoughts out, to hear the friendly, familiar sound of my fingers tapping away on the keys...it's been a long time since I've heard this comforting sound.

Last year I tried to be more present in my life, and what was in front of my face.  I tried to be more intent in my relationships.  It was good, I suppose.  Made a difference?  The jury is still out on that.

I don't know what I want this year.  Apart from things that are labeled as "wrong."  Mainly, completely shutting out my family and abandoning my friends.  But I won't do that.  (Yet.)

I need space.  I need to not be pushed.  I need people to say "I understand" even if they don't (because most of them won't).

Actually...I don't know what I need.