I am spiraling.

The darkness keeps growing, keeps looming.

There is so much going on in my life that I am trying to sort, trying to figure out.
And I already live my life in a state of high-key stress, which comes across as being calm and collected all the time.
But to have the added stress of trying to figure shit out...I feel like I am constantly on the verge of going crazy.

Or maybe I am crazy.

This past week has been one of the longest weeks of my life.

I am unable to process.
Or to grieve.
Or to understand.  Anything.

I feel like I've been walking around like a zombie.
The last time I felt like this was years ago, back in high school.

July has been the worst month of the year for the past six years.
And it only continues to get worse.
Sorrow upon sorrow, horror upon horror.

Why am I still here.

What makes life worth living if I cannot process tragedy and grief.
If a singular month continues to pain me every time it comes around.

I have been confused and unsure for so many months now.
No clarity.
No surety.

And added pressure of things that are beyond my control...

I am breaking.

I am spiraling.

The darkness continues to suffocate and I am losing my strength in fighting.

I so desperately want to give up and give in.
To end all of this forever.

It would end the torment.
It would end my negative impact on those around me.
It would be better overall.

But I remain a coward.

Living in darkness and unable to let it swallow me whole.

Maybe someday I'll get there.
Be able to end the torture.
The unbearable sadness.
The unprocessed grief.

Unfortunately, today is not that day.


How very pathetic.