(Warning:
I am aware that the following post may fall into the cliche category, that I may be screaming and shaking my fist at a thing that will never go away and only become more present in this world.  But I still have thoughts, which is exactly what this platform is for.)


Social media is killing romance.

The internet in general, is.

Even more so than romance, though, I think it's killing human sociality.

In a world where there are screens everywhere you look, where the information of the world and humanity is at your fingertips, nothing feels thrilling anymore.
Want to know how many miles it is from Spain to Russia?
Google it.
Want to know what the longest orgasm of all time was?
Google it.
Want to see what's going on in the world?
You can pretty much pull into a gas station and watch a screen tell you about news events while filling up your gas tank.

Information is everywhere.
And there's an overload of it.

But even more so, why go out and meet someone what we've now deemed as the "old fashioned" way, when all you can do is download four or five apps on your phone and you have hundreds - if not thousands - of choices for who you want to bang next.
And forget getting to know someone through spending time with them and asking questions and discovering who they really are.  All you have to do is type in the right words, spend less than a half-hour browsing the internet, and you know where they're from, how many siblings they have, how old they are, all their past residence locations, their fashion style, their likes and dislikes, and everything else they choose to portray to the online world (regardless if that's the real them or not).

Where's the thrill of wondering what a person's body looks like under all that clothing they wear when you see them, when you can pretty much find a picture of them at the beach during the summer time, and you no longer need to imagine?

Why be present and enjoy that intimate moment with your significant other, when you can take a picture or video and post it online for all to see?

I hate that the internet, that our phones and computers and tablets, are such amazing tools capable of incredible things, but that they literally suck the life out of their users.

Not only is staring at a screen for hours and hours day after day terrible for your eyesight (much less posture), but it takes away from actually living.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this generation that is growing up with phones in their hands, will reach the ends of their lives, look back, and realise how much they've wasted.

Hell, even I'm at that point, and the internet was still a baby back when I was in school.

I hate that I go out with people, with my boyfriend, and a phone is always there.  Always out.  Whether it's to take pictures or look something up or even to fill in the blank, boring pockets of time by mindless scrolling through social media, a phone is still OUT.  Maybe not even in use, but in hand, ready for the quick draw should it be needed or not.

I have tried to be conscious, to be aware, of my use of my phone when out with friends.  To try to give them the attention they deserve, by not having my phone in sight, or having it loud enough to be heard with a new text, or answering a phone call right away.

Imagine me saying this really slowly:
It is not the end of the world if you don't immediately respond to every message on every social platform that you get.  It is not the end of the world if you don't respond to a text right away or ignore a phone call.  It is not the end of the world if someone doesn't respond to you immediately.

Try it.  You may find out that you aren't dead at the end of that very long moment.  In fact, you may even get a sense of relief from not being available 24/7 for people who don't even matter that much to you.

Unplug. 
Live your goddamn life. 
Be present and thankful and exchange conversation with the people directly in front of you.  The people who make it an effort to be physically present in your life. 
Those people who are far away may or may not have a choice in the matter, but they can wait.  Everyone can exercise a little patience when they don't get a response right away.  They can take that time waiting for a response to go out and live their own life, too.

Like I said.
It's not the end of the world if you don't respond/get an immediate response.

Fucking live.

Do you ever feel like you're not everything that people say or think you are?
Because I do.  To the extent of what feels like all the time.

But maybe that's the depression talking.

Fighting depression is like a living a nightmare you can't escape from.
Not easily, at least.

And I think I realised something earlier.
A side effect of depression is being tired all the time.
And I am constantly exhausted.

But, perhaps, there's more to it than just being depressed.

Because, you see, the thing is, I fight it.
Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
I fight the sadness.
I fight the urge to want to give up. To call it quits.
I fight the apathy, the exhaustion, the not caring, the closing myself off to everyone around me, to growing hard and rough edged.

I fight to care, to stay alert, to remain open and vulnerable and honest, to stay soft and kind.

And it is a constant battle.
A daily one.

So maybe there's more to my exhaustion than just a depression side effect.

Perhaps my tiredness is amplified because I am constantly battling to remain present.
To remain all the good things that depression demands to take away.
To stay alive.

I don't know.
It's just a thought.
But it kind of makes sense.

Being in constant battle with no time to rest and recuperate means that, eventually, you will be worn down and caught off guard and die.

Perhaps my time to die isn't so far off in the future.
Because this battle has been going on for years.

Who knows.
Maybe someday soon I will finally be at peace.

You ever just start thinking and then you start writing down your thoughts and then you begin to spiral because you're giving in to going down that never ending free-fall tunnel and by then it's too late and you're past the point of no return?

Because I just did that.

Perhaps that's why I keep myself from thinking these days.
Because I know that my mind is unkind to me; in fact, it is very much my enemy.
And as much as thinking and processing and sorting and figuring out shit might be good...usually it ends up being not good at all.

For me, at least.

I am learning.
Which is good.  For if I was not learning, how would I be growing and maturing?  Learning is a part of life, and cursed be the day that one stops learning.
However.
It is a hell of a time trying to learn and figure out who you are as an individual (and allllll the complicated things that come with that) when you are also learning how to function as a unit with your significant other.

Trial and error.
And that goes for life, too.

But where does it end?  That is, will there ever be solidly based conclusions to all the thoughts that consistently cycle my mind?  Or will they forever be just vicious, endless circles going and going and going and eventually driving me crazy?

For I am halfway there already.

I know - I have known - that people do not understand the power their words hold.  In general, for sure.  Though more specifically, with me.  All I need is for someone to tell me one time that what I feel doesn't matter, and for the rest of my relationship with that person, I will cease to tell them how I feel in any given situation.  Likewise, if I am told that I am selfish, or that every activity chosen is always something I want to do, but never what anyone else wants to do, then I will stop giving input (as much as possible on a case-to-case basis) and let others choose what to do.

So how do you find a balance?

In my unfortunate time of conscious thought, I have recently discovered that for the majority of my life, I have ignored my needs.  I have ignored things I wanted, things I needed, things I have felt, because if any other individual is around, they come first. 
I do not even place.

I give up and ignore what I might need to better protect and strengthen my mental health and overall well-being, if someone else is around.  Because their needs, their wants, their feelings...these are all of utmost importance and are completely valid.  My needs?  My wants?  My feelings?  Totally useless and completely invalid.

Perhaps I am trying to grow, to change, now that I have recognised this.  To speak up for myself, to say how something makes me feel, to state what my immediate need in a situation is, so that I can better protect myself to ensure that my health of all factions is taken care of.  But one situation where I am forced to ignore what I need to better meet the needs of those around me?  Forever afterwards will I continue to ignore what I need, because it was clearly implied that I am invalid.

So it goes.

And continues.
Because what if things you feel, you feel to have a solid base for being good, but you feel completely controlling and selfish for even thinking them?  And if - heaven forbid - you state them aloud, you will come across as the very type of person you have tried to avoid being your entire life?  Selfish and controlling.

So you keep quiet.  Because why would you speak up if it's to be selfish and continue to get your own way?  Why would you say what you need when the other person's needs are clearly more important (as ranked within your own mind)?

One moment, one situation, one word of how you always get your way, how that's "not fair," or anything else that you might think of, and that's it.  The straw that breaks the camel's back, if you will.  I will keep quiet, shut down, process, suppress, and move on.

Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat.

(And so the spiral continues.)