You ever just start thinking and then you start writing down your thoughts and then you begin to spiral because you're giving in to going down that never ending free-fall tunnel and by then it's too late and you're past the point of no return?

Because I just did that.

Perhaps that's why I keep myself from thinking these days.
Because I know that my mind is unkind to me; in fact, it is very much my enemy.
And as much as thinking and processing and sorting and figuring out shit might be good...usually it ends up being not good at all.

For me, at least.

I am learning.
Which is good.  For if I was not learning, how would I be growing and maturing?  Learning is a part of life, and cursed be the day that one stops learning.
However.
It is a hell of a time trying to learn and figure out who you are as an individual (and allllll the complicated things that come with that) when you are also learning how to function as a unit with your significant other.

Trial and error.
And that goes for life, too.

But where does it end?  That is, will there ever be solidly based conclusions to all the thoughts that consistently cycle my mind?  Or will they forever be just vicious, endless circles going and going and going and eventually driving me crazy?

For I am halfway there already.

I know - I have known - that people do not understand the power their words hold.  In general, for sure.  Though more specifically, with me.  All I need is for someone to tell me one time that what I feel doesn't matter, and for the rest of my relationship with that person, I will cease to tell them how I feel in any given situation.  Likewise, if I am told that I am selfish, or that every activity chosen is always something I want to do, but never what anyone else wants to do, then I will stop giving input (as much as possible on a case-to-case basis) and let others choose what to do.

So how do you find a balance?

In my unfortunate time of conscious thought, I have recently discovered that for the majority of my life, I have ignored my needs.  I have ignored things I wanted, things I needed, things I have felt, because if any other individual is around, they come first. 
I do not even place.

I give up and ignore what I might need to better protect and strengthen my mental health and overall well-being, if someone else is around.  Because their needs, their wants, their feelings...these are all of utmost importance and are completely valid.  My needs?  My wants?  My feelings?  Totally useless and completely invalid.

Perhaps I am trying to grow, to change, now that I have recognised this.  To speak up for myself, to say how something makes me feel, to state what my immediate need in a situation is, so that I can better protect myself to ensure that my health of all factions is taken care of.  But one situation where I am forced to ignore what I need to better meet the needs of those around me?  Forever afterwards will I continue to ignore what I need, because it was clearly implied that I am invalid.

So it goes.

And continues.
Because what if things you feel, you feel to have a solid base for being good, but you feel completely controlling and selfish for even thinking them?  And if - heaven forbid - you state them aloud, you will come across as the very type of person you have tried to avoid being your entire life?  Selfish and controlling.

So you keep quiet.  Because why would you speak up if it's to be selfish and continue to get your own way?  Why would you say what you need when the other person's needs are clearly more important (as ranked within your own mind)?

One moment, one situation, one word of how you always get your way, how that's "not fair," or anything else that you might think of, and that's it.  The straw that breaks the camel's back, if you will.  I will keep quiet, shut down, process, suppress, and move on.

Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat.
Rinse and repeat.

(And so the spiral continues.)