Do you ever feel like you're not everything that people say or think you are?
Because I do.  To the extent of what feels like all the time.

But maybe that's the depression talking.

Fighting depression is like a living a nightmare you can't escape from.
Not easily, at least.

And I think I realised something earlier.
A side effect of depression is being tired all the time.
And I am constantly exhausted.

But, perhaps, there's more to it than just being depressed.

Because, you see, the thing is, I fight it.
Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
I fight the sadness.
I fight the urge to want to give up. To call it quits.
I fight the apathy, the exhaustion, the not caring, the closing myself off to everyone around me, to growing hard and rough edged.

I fight to care, to stay alert, to remain open and vulnerable and honest, to stay soft and kind.

And it is a constant battle.
A daily one.

So maybe there's more to my exhaustion than just a depression side effect.

Perhaps my tiredness is amplified because I am constantly battling to remain present.
To remain all the good things that depression demands to take away.
To stay alive.

I don't know.
It's just a thought.
But it kind of makes sense.

Being in constant battle with no time to rest and recuperate means that, eventually, you will be worn down and caught off guard and die.

Perhaps my time to die isn't so far off in the future.
Because this battle has been going on for years.

Who knows.
Maybe someday soon I will finally be at peace.