I remember the day my brain broke.

I often try to forget bad memories, because really, who wants to relive that shit and harbor it and feel tormented (more than usual) all the time?
Definitely not me.
But that day is one of the worst memories filed away in my brain, and it's not one I can forget.

But it happened.
And my brain broke.  Literally.

Because, you see, before, I used to have panic attacks.  But they happened sparingly.  And usually only in the middle of the night, where I would wake up in a cold sweat, and semi-hyperventilate to the thought that instantly came into my mind.

And now...
Now panic happens a lot more.
Something happens, something triggers it, and I not only start to panic, but I start to hyperventilate.  Which feels like something I can control.  Because when it's happening, I'm thinking in my head 'this is dumb.  You don't need to do this.  You can stop right this moment.  So, stop.'  And yet...I can't stop.

It gets even better.
Not only do I panic during the waking hours of life (whereas before I did not), but I still panic at night.
Now I wake up and start hyperventilating for one reason or another.
Sometimes there's no reason (just like before).  I'll wake up suddenly and it'll start.  Other times, I'll have bad dreams, which cause me to wake up hyperventilating.  (This never happened before.)


I wish I could go back in time.
I wish I could change my actions, change what happened that day, change the mindsets of the people involved; if only to tweak things enough to where what happened wouldn't have happened, and maybe my brain would be whole.
Not that it was whole before...but it was a little better off, I think.


I don't like being broken.
I don't like the fact that I wake up, unable to breathe properly, and how long it takes me to calm down.
I don't like that I can't talk when it happens...my brain is already stressed out to maximum capacity when panic occurs.  It overloads when someone tries to talk to me and tries to get me to respond to them when I'm hyperventilating...which makes it so incredibly worse.


My brain broke that day.
And I don't think it will ever heal.
And now I - and the people closest to me - have to live with my brokenness.


(I hate who I am.)