I haven't ever been a person to classify myself as "anxious."

...But in the past couple of years, I've realised that yeah, I get anxious a lot.

I don't know why it is.
I'm not actively seeking reasons in my mind to worry, to fuss, to be anxious.
But it's still a thing, whether I ignore it or not.

And it makes sense.
The small things that people don't worry about...sometimes, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about them.
Feeling my heart racing out of nowhere (and definitely not caffeine-induced).
Feeling a TON of nervous energy inside me, but not showing it on the outside, but feeling like I'm a lit firecracker about to go off at any moment.

And a new (but not new) thing, that's apparently a sign of anxiety: tossing and turning at night.
Which I've been doing for who-knows-how-many-years now.
I just always thought it was another way my body was fucked up.
Waking up every time I switch sides, always making sure the blankets are still in their place (which explains why I never understood how people wake up with the sheets twisted around them, or on the floor...I adjust them every. single. time. I wake up to switch positions).
But nope.  Apparently, a sign of anxiety.

I saw my doctor the other day, and she prescribed a second antidepressant for me.
This one to help me sleep at night, and to help with the anxiety.
And I have to say, since I've started taking it, I'm not waking up NEARLY as much at night as I used to.
And dear God, I am grateful.

The past few weeks have been filled with way more anxiety than I'd like.
And I hate it.
I hate thinking about things and feeling sick to my stomach.
I hate thinking (involuntarily) about things in the past, and having deep wounds reopen, and the anxiety to pour over them, making things all the worse.

And my focus has been SHIT.
I sit, and I know I have to work on school.
That I have things due.
But the guilt, and the pressure to get things done isn't enough.
It's paralyzing, but even that in and of itself doesn't help me to get started on things.
I sit and I sit and I sit, and I TRY.
I KNOW I have to focus.  I have to!!  But I can't.
I'm just an anxious ball of internal energy, heart racing, hands sweating, unable to focus or concentrate...

Or feel.
In the past few days I've noticed myself shutting down.
I just feel drained and tired and after so so many months of actually being happy and being okay with myself and with life, I'm back to feeling like I want to die every day when I wake up.
(Not ever getting enough sleep probably isn't helping with that...)

I just...
I don't know.
There is a lot out of my control.
There always is, because that's life.
But what I feel like can and should be in my control, isn't, and that doesn't help anything.
I hate not knowing.
I hate not being able to have guarantees of things getting better.
I hate having to continually only be able to rely on myself, and face life alone, because there's no one that I can fully trust or depend on.
I mean, my life has been that way for a long time now, but it should have changed a couple years ago...and hasn't.
But honestly...that's not too surprising, once I stop and think about it.

I don't know where I'm going with this.
Even now I have a ton of nervous energy, and I feel so incredibly anxious, and I can't focus, even though I'm sitting very still while writing this, and feel completely and utterly exhausted.

I am so sick and tired of my body and of my life and of so many things.