People blossom when they're loved well.

Did you know that?

I remember a few years ago.  When I was under the impression that I was wanted.  That someone picked me.  That I was loved.  I remember walking around feeling all the confidence in the world.  Why?  Because I was confident that someone loved me - and wanted me - for being me.

Maybe you can't relate.  Maybe you've been well loved your whole life.  Maybe you had people who let you know you were valued, that what you felt mattered, that your existence was welcome and desired.  If so, what a wonderful world in which to live.

But there are those of us (me) who did not feel that way growing up.  Those of us who struggle to feel wanted.  Who struggle with feeling like our existence isn't an inconvenience.  Those of us who don't feel loved for simply being ourselves, but have to behave and be good in order to earn love before it's given to us.

And then someone came along who I let see my whole self.  Every ugly nook and cranny.  My weirdness.  My dumb quirks.  My not knowing a lot of pop culture references.  My being dead on the inside.  My shutting down and feeling less than the usual nothing when depression got really bad.  My exploring the freedom in saying "no" to things I didn't want to do, learning to experience a sense of control, when I did not have the freedom to really express or experience that growing up.  Someone who, in spite of all of that, saw me and still wanted to be around me.  Still wanted to get to know me.  Still decided to choose me and love me for...well...me.

Until he didn't.

If the one person who vowed to love me, for better or worse, rich or poor, in health and in sickness, until death, decides that he doesn't want me anymore, what am I supposed to think?  How am I supposed to interpret that?
Because what it means is that this vow that we both made, this covenant before God and before witnesses, was not sincere.  It was not spoken truly nor with sincerity.  I doubt the words even registered, because they were simply repeated.  Who really pays attention when someone says "repeat after me?"

It tells me that the vow was not intentional.  It tells me that things got hard, and it was time to quit instead of buckle down to adjust and repair.  It tells me that I really am not worth loving me for being me.  I was not enough.  I was too much.  I was...I don't know.  Insufficient.

I was thinking today (unfortunately) as I ran some errands.  I realised that my whole life I have more or less defined myself by what I am trying to not be.  I am *not* going to be too much.  I am *not* going to be an inconvenience.  I am *not* going to be a burden.  Etc.

I have tried so hard to not be too much.  Because the majority of my life, I have felt like I actually am too much.  Too much to handle, too much to stick around for, too much to take the time to invest in.  If I worked really hard and made myself as small as possible, hardly noticeable, not needing too much attention, affection, time, whatever...maybe then someone would want me.  Maybe then someone wouldn't be too put off by me.  Maybe then I would be worth loving.

Turns out it doesn't matter how I am.  I don't know if it's possible to be too much and not enough simultaneously, but I certainly feel like I am.  Regardless, who I am, how I am, whoever "Aimee" actually is...is not enough.  Not worth it.  Not desired or wanted or valued or loved.

And knowing that...seeing that happen again and again in my life...what's the point?  What's the point of trying to be good, if it's never good enough?  What's the point in trying to be as little as an inconvenience as possible, if you are still an inconvenience?  What's the point of feeling things, feeling anything, if your feelings are not valid and no one cares about them?

It doesn't matter if people tell me that I'm a good person.  Being a "good" person doesn't mean shit.  It doesn't mean you win extra points.  It doesn't mean life is going to be easier for you.  It doesn't mean you'll be noticed above everybody else.  And it certainly doesn't mean that you are going to be wanted or loved for being "good."

The conclusion, then, is that there is no point.  There is no point in trying to be good.  There is no point in trying to not be an inconvenience.  There is no point in feeling things.  There is no point in allowing myself to love.

I am going to fix myself.  True, it's been too long of me living like this to change my tendencies of not being a burden, too much, etc.  But I am going to go back to the way I was.  Not feeling anything.  Not allowing myself to be vulnerable.  Not allowing myself to love.  My walls were a mile high before, but I am going to build them back up to 10 times that height.  No one will be able to get in.  No one will be able to break through.

Never again.