I have been thinking for hours today about how I have never had one single person I could depend on in my life.
So it is very little wonder that I don't trust anybody, much less depend on anyone to be there for me (especially when I need it most).

Sure, I grew up raised by a mother and father, so in a sense I depended on them, but that was for more technical things, like clothing, shelter, food.  And most certainly as an infant I had no choice but to depend on them.  And growing up, being raised by them, I was their responsibility, so again, it was their duty and obligation to provide for me, and I was dependent upon them for the necessities.

However.

As far as someone being there to provide for the less obvious needs, like emotional and mental support?  Support when emotions were raging, support when I was confused by drama at school, support when my brain became my enemy?  No, I didn't have anyone for that.

And sure, maybe there have been small snippets of time where I had a person to depend on momentarily, but it wasn't for a long period of time, and it most certainly wasn't consistent.

And then someone came along that I gave my heart to, someone who made a vow to be by my side, for better or worse, until death. 
And did death come for either one of us?
No.
Instead that vow was broken, everything betrayed, trust completely shattered, and I was a fool for thinking I finally had someone who would be there for me whenever.

I am not going to make that mistake again.

What is so wrong with me that people...that someone...can't be there for me?
Why am I not worth keeping your word for?

I learned a long time ago that people talk a lot of shit, say a lot of nice things, but 99% of the time, people just do not follow through with what they talk about doing, or say they're going to do for/with me.
So now I listen to people when they tell me things.  Express "nice" ideas.  But I never, ever, ever believe anyone.  Not until they show me.  And even then, if they show me one time, fuck, even two times, I will still think it's a fluke.
Because it is.
It would have to be a steady consistency of someone following through and keeping their word before I actually believe what they tell me.
And I have never, ever, not in my whole life, found one single person to be consistent in what they say.

And how fucked up is that?
What is so goddamn hard about keeping your word?
About saying what you mean, and meaning what you say?
About watching what you say, not to give away your word so easily, that you continue to break it because you make promises you can't keep?

So sure, on one hand, it's a matter of every person who currently walks this planet being a flake and failing to follow through on things.
But on the other hand, is there really no one out there who exists who is steady and consistent and faithful in following through?

Regardless.

I have learned my lesson.
I cannot depend on anyone.
I never have been able to.

And I never will.