Why does my heart hurt so much?
Why do I feel so restless inside, a longing and an ache that cannot be satisfied in this world?

...why do I have to grieve and mourn things that are lost but still within reach?

It is one thing to grieve and mourn over the loss of things or loved ones we had no control in losing, because it was simply time for them to leave.
It is an entirely different thing to grieve and mourn over the loss when the person is still alive.

Because they actively chose to walk away.
To leave.
And you are left with a million unanswered questions, and a million unwalked paths from a dreamed up future that will now never come into existence.

I do not want to feel.
I do not want to experience a rush of, well, anything, because it only means the inevitable crash and burn that comes after feeling a rush.
I want to drink myself into oblivion where I will feel numb.  But where I will also be able to face the hurt and confusion more head on.

And yet.
I find I cannot consume alcohol as easily these days as I used to in my mid-20's when I first started drinking.
It's probably a good thing, although at times like these, I am not a fan of being that way.

How can a few small moments from a stranger provoke such strong reminders of what I once thought I had, but apparently never did?

How can I reconcile and accept that the person who told me they loved me, wanted me, wanted a future with me, actually truly never meant those things, because if they did, they would still be here, by my side, fighting to make that future a reality?

How can I believe anyone else who may come along and say the same things to me, when the first person (who should have been the only person) said those exact same things, and later decided they weren't actually true?

How can I even think for a second that people want to be around me - me, a depressed person who is most likely incapable of long-term happiness, who feels things too deeply, who fights every day to stay alive - when the person who was supposed to be my person didn't even like being around me when I was depressed/sad/just generally me?

I guess that's the answer, isn't it?

No one likes being around a depressed negative person.
At least not for a long time.
And definitely not for a lifetime spent together.

Once again I am faced with all the facts that my worst fears (once unknown to me) are confirmed.
I am not worth an effort.
I am not enough, and yet, too much.
I am not wanted or desired...or even loved.

For all my upbringing, I am aware that there is only One who can truly fulfill what is now this blatant void in my life.
Yet, I cannot see myself turning in that direction to have that void filled.
Not right now.
Not with all the hurt from the past, with the legalism and judgemental mindsets and the implied need to be perfect before being capable of being loved, rather than grace and understanding and being loved for who I am right now, imperfections, mistakes, and all.

How can I be told that God is a God of love, when I grew up feeling the pressure to be good and perfect and behave in the "right" way, before I could be shown affection or have proclamations of how I'm loved be stated easily and freely?
I know that being good is not enough.
But even being good wasn't enough to feel loved or wanted as a child.

If I behaved, I was, at best, ignored and left alone.
But if I misbehaved, at least there was some attention, as negative as it was.
(I hate that I fit so perfectly into the youngest child cliche, and yet, here we are.)
(It's little wonder I hate any attention on me, if the only attention I received as a child was negative in its connotation.)

I don't know what to do.
Okay, that's a half lie.
On one hand, I know what to do, to some degree.
On the other hand, I don't want to do it, because there is still so much hurt and rejection and anger that I have not processed, and I don't want to start something "new," pulling those things with me into it.

I know I didn't have it bad growing up.
I know, technically speaking, I don't have it "bad" right now (although I would like to argue that).
And yet life feels so incredibly unfair and wildly out of my control and what even is the point of trying to be good, to behave, to do anything if it only ever results in my world being turned upside down and being hurt over and over and over again?

Better to not feel anything at all, like before, than to allow myself to feel and be vulnerable and only ever experience hurt and nothing more.

Even more, better to just not continue life at all, because really, what is the fucking point?  I have to work to fix mistakes that screwed me up.  Things I had no control over that made me the way I am now.  How is that even fair?  How is it fair that I poured my heart and soul and all the love I had been waiting my whole life to give to someone who actually wanted it and would give me love in return, only to be abandoned by that very same person who promised me we would only part in death?

And that's just it.
There is no point.
And none of this is fair.

So really...why bother trying?
Why bother with anything anymore?

I'm done.